Life Is Too Short

Today I received some incredibly sad news.  One of the lawyers in my community has been battling cancer for about a year and a half, and recently took a turn for the worse.  The prognosis is not good.  I had the opportunity to get to know this woman through the state bar’s women in the law committee.  I won’t say that we know each other well, but through our subcommittee work I came to know her abilities as an attorney, her reputation in the community, her dedication to family, and her resilient attitude.

She started a blog to keep family, friends and colleagues apprised of how things were going.  Post after post described what can only be considered bleak diagnoses – the cancer had spread from her leg, to her lungs, and eventually to her brain.  Yet despite this, her posts were always focused on the good things that were happening – the time she was spending with her family, the successful treatments, the potential for recovery, regardless of how slim.

I admire her ability to remain positive in the face of something so unpredictable and scary.  Every time I saw her, she was always smiling, happy, and upbeat.  I don’t know that I would be able to be as strong as she if I were faced with such devastating news.  I mean, my heart breaks and my eyes fill with tears every time I think about her situation and her two young sons.

When I received the email from our committee chair this afternoon, I felt my heart sink.  I had been expecting this news for a few weeks, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I can’t help but think how unfair it is that this young, beautiful woman who has been raising two boys on her own while opening and maintaining a successful family law practice will be taken from the world in the prime of her life.

This tragic situation has made me start to reevaluate things.  The whole purpose of this blog is to find a way to follow my dreams, find my passion.  Now, more than ever, it seems paramount to love what I do.  But life is short.  Moments are fleeting.  I have to start enjoying every day that I have despite hating my job. I can’t take for granted my husband, my family, my dogs or my friends.  They might not be here tomorrow.  I might not be here tomorrow.  I have to make the most of what every day gives me, and take a lesson from my colleague to always focus on the positive.  I think it’s a lesson we could all take to heart.  Do me (and you) a favor – hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you.  Do it every day.  You won’t regret it.

One Hundred

Over the weekend I realized that I was nearing my 100th post.  I couldn’t believe it.  A few weeks ago I would have thought it would take me forever to hit 100.  I’m proud of the accomplishment, although there have certainly been some starts and stops along the way.  Starting this blog has been an interesting experiencing. In some ways it has been much easier than I anticipated; in others, much harder.

Some days I have all kinds of ideas floating around in my head, and words effortlessly fly onto the screen.  Other days, I have ideas, but I don’t know how to convey them.  And some days, I just have no idea what to write about.  I thought for sure that it would be easy to think of something to write about every day.

Over the past 100 posts, I have found that those posts that tell a story are easier to write than others.  I think that is because the content is already determined.  I know what is going to happen, what the ending will be.  I can simply focus on how to get the content across.

One hundred posts seems like an appropriate time to think about the focus of the blog, where it has been, and where it is going.  I started doing this in order to force myself to write, instead of merely wishing that I had time to write.  I made a conscious effort to take action.  But secretly, the purpose from the outset was to find motivation to try my hand at writing a book.  I can’t tell you how many times I have come up with an idea, written it down, outlined it, and then done nothing.

So, in celebration of my 100th post (among other reasons), I have actually started writing something.  It’s only about 200 words so far, but it’s a beginning.  The full plot is still working itself out, but I’m excited about the prospect regardless of the outcome.  It seems as if it will be much easier to keep going now that I’ve gotten past the hard part of just starting.  And now I’ve blogged about it, so I have to be accountable!

Traveling Along the Path of Life in an SUV

A few weeks ago I described my experience shopping for a new car.  After sleeping on it for a few days, doing some research on the value of the car, and looking at interest rates, I decided to go back to the dealership and try to negotiate a deal.  After much back and forth, waiting, and frustration with the process, I walked away the proud owner of a new (to me) SUV.

I had been contemplating buying an SUV with third-row seating for a couple of years now.  The official purchase marks a new chapter in our lives.  I know you might be thinking “It’s just a new car.  What’s the big deal?”  For me, every big decision means thinking about how it impacts the overall path in life.

I have been telling people that now was the right time because we have two dogs.  Eighty pounds between two dogs just doesn’t quite work in a 4-door sedan.  Soon we will have to take both of them – together – to the kennel or the dog park, and it’s just easier to have cargo room for them.

All of that is true.  But that’s not the main reason.  The main reason is that it’s time to start thinking about having kids.  And don’t you need an SUV for kids and all their stuff (and your two original “kids” – the dogs)?  I refuse to drive a mini-van, so it’s this the obvious choice?

As I began to think about what the new car symbolizes, I began to think about all of the things that go along with kids.  Doctor visits, labor, delivery, maternity leave, car seats, strollers, cribs, health insurance for the little ones, day care, school, and so on and so forth.  The list was unending.  I won’t say that I became panicked.  But I quickly realized there was a lot more planning to be done.

I am considered an independent contractor at work. I say considered because I don’t think the arrangement would pass scrutinization.  Regardless, this means that I have an individual health insurance policy, no maternity services coverage, no paid time off.  Yikes!  Something is going to have to change.

What really scares me is no maternity leave.  We can handle medical expenses (probably!).  However, the two options for leave are really non-options – 1. Don’t take any time (really, this is impossible); or 2. Take the time and don’t get paid for 6 or 8 weeks (also not a viable option).  Luckily, we still have time to figure out what to do.

Save like we’ve never saved before?  Find a new job with benefits (but that requires more time in the office thus potentially impacting the pursuit of my real dreams)?  Who had any idea that all of this came along with a new car?!  I’m hoping genius strikes while I’m cruising around town in the car.  It prompted all of these thoughts.  Maybe it will provide resolution as well.

Just Write

When I saw WordPress.com’s post with this phrase come through on my Twitter feed, I didn’t know that it was related to the user-friendly changes to the dashboard.  Although it piqued my interest and I planned to read the post once I got home (because my phone is about worthless), I started thinking about what “just write” meant to me.  As I thought about it, I no longer even cared what the post was actually about.  I was already inspired to focus on just writing.  I’ve been struggling a bit lately with focus, and, I am ashamed to admit, gave up on the Post a Day Challenge and switched to Post a Week.  I even deleted my Post a Day badge.  I didn’t want to mislead anyone or take away from those who were still keeping up with the Challenge.

When I got home I pulled up my blogs and immediately noticed the changes to the Dashboard.  Things were more organized and compact.  Then I remembered I needed to actually read the post whose title alone inspired me.  As I read along, I was reminded of why I love WordPress so much.  In my opinion, the site is constantly trying to make things easier and more efficient for its bloggers.

I love the new distraction-free writing feature.  Sometimes posts write themselves, and I’m fine with all the menus around me.  But sometimes I’m not sure what to say, I’m easily distracted, I start thinking about categories and tags, etc.  Being able to push all of that aside and just focus on the post is invaluable.  I used it for the first time while writing last night’s post (yes, that’s right, a post two days in a row…maybe it’s working), and I loved how the final post was appearing before my eyes.  It helped me to keep my focus and keep writing.

Another great feature – the ability to resize the writing box.  I would often look at my tiny, narrow writing space, and think, if only there was a way to make this bigger!  I of course immediately resized it, but I don’t know that it matters much now that the full screen mode is so clean and writer-friendly.  In fact, I’m using it again.

This is the second blog that I created with WordPress, and I’ll be honest with you – I started my photo blog using another site (which will remain nameless).  After about a month of frustration caused by waiting what seemed like hours to upload the photos and the inability to easily move things around a draft post, I started looking for other options.  I found WordPress, seamlessly moved the blog over, and have been happily blogging ever since.  I mean, really, I now have two blogs!  Thanks, WordPress – I never ever thought I would be a “blogger”, and now I don’t know what I would do without this community.

The Enchanted Forest

When I was a kid, I was always envious of my friends that lived in the country, surrounded by trees run through with interesting paths that I was certain would lead to some magical land.  I thought for  certain that if I lived near a forest, wonderful things would happen to me.  Don’t get my wrong, my house was pretty cool too, and my overactive creative imagination had plenty to work with.  For instance, our swing set doubled as a circus tent or (depending on the day) a mystery club hideout with secret entrances (modeled after the hideout in a series of young adult mystery books, the title of which escapes me and Google is of no help).  I used to crawl underneath the monster honeysuckle bushes that lined the fence around our pool and imagined an entire village existed under there.  I could go on, but I’m afraid you might already think I’m a little nuts.

As I got older, my imagination remained active, but I put it towards more productive uses – i.e., homework assignments.  However, I continued to love mystery novels and stories that truly drew you in and made you feel as if you were really a part of what was going on.  For instance, I love Harry Potter.  I read those stories over and over again. (Yeah, I’m in my 30s, so what?)  My fascination with a thick grove of trees hasn’t waned, either.  I can walk through the woods and my thoughts start running in overdrive.  I feel like I could write an entire novel based upon the feelings, sights, and sounds that wash over me in a period of just five minutes.

When I was a senior in high school, I went to visit my step-sisters in San Diego.  I fell in love with the city almost immediately, and while I loved the beaches and ocean (of course), they took me to these unbelievable forests with paths that led to enormous, ancient trees with rope swings.  To this day, I can remember what those woods looked like and how I felt as we explored them (without having to look at the pictures, which I have plenty of).  I vowed during that trip that I would move to San Diego after college and frequent those paths.

Now, fifteen years later, I still live in the midwest, I rarely visit our state forests, and my imagination is stifled.  Where am I going with this, you might be asking.  Over the past four days I have driven over 1000 miles for work (no joke, 1000 miles, in a car, by myself, in four days).  I had a lot of time alone with my thoughts.  Most of those thoughts were negative, angry, self-deprecating.  I’d decided that I was not going to blog again until I was in a better frame of mind because no one likes to read depressing, negative blather.  I mean, I certainly don’t.  I was feeling hopeless.

Then I had an idea.  If I didn’t have anything positive to say, then I would start writing posts about things that happened or that I saw during the day but write them as short stories.  Maybe fictionalize them a bit.  Maybe they will remain individual stories.  Maybe they will morph into an actual novel.  And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find inspiration while taking a hike through the forest.

Searching for the Silver Lining

The last two weeks have been unbelievably stressful at work, and next week looks to be even worse than the last two combined.  I have to drive to Toledo tomorrow for depositions.  Yes, tomorrow is Sunday.  I don’t like having to work on Sundays.  I will get home sometime on Monday, only to spend about 7 hours in the car on Tuesday and 5 on Wednesday.  Wednesday involves mediating a case that has become contentious for no reason other than I think the Plaintiffs’ counsel just likes being a jerk.  The judge has made some rulings in blatant disregard for the trial rules and has made borderline unethical comments in his orders.  I am having to deal with all of the things that I despise about litigation and that cause me the most stress and anxiety.

On top of that, my assistant out-and-out ignores my instructions.  I’m not sure whether this is intentional or he’s just super bad at his job.  Truthfully, I think it’s a combo deal.  I was assigned a new liability case even though I keep saying I don’t want any more liability cases.  It’s for the carrier that I really hate working for, and the attorney who had it before me left the firm about 5 weeks ago.  The file has been sitting on his office floor that entire time, languishing, missing deadlines.  More things that cause me anxiety.

What this means is that I haven’t had as much time to devote to photography.  I haven’t taken any new pictures since Tuesday.  That is sad.  But I’m trying to find a silver lining in all of this stress and chaos.  I haven’t found it yet.  I think my hotel in Toledo is near a river, so perhaps there will be some photographic opportunities there.  It may also provide scenic running routes.  As for Tuesday and Wednesday, I’m going to have to do a little more digging  Maybe inspiration will strike during the eight hours in the car over Sunday and Monday.

I guess there is one more silver lining.  I have never been more sure that I want to be a photographer and that I have to get out of the legal profession.  Perhaps this sounds cheesy, but photography is the only thing I have ever done that I have actually felt passionate about.  Is it too much to ask to feel that every day?  To actually do something that I love as a living?  I firmly believe that the way I have been feeling the last two weeks is no way to live.  And so I continue my quest to find a new way of living, where work and personal values not only co-exist but foster each other.  I’m not sure I’m any closer, but I’m not giving up.

Crossing the Finish Line

Another 16 weeks of training, and another half marathon under my belt.  I was hoping the third time would be the charm, but I really struggled this race.  I blame adrenaline.  I felt great the week going into the race, and I got up Saturday morning feeling ready – tired, but ready.  I got out of bed around 5:10 am, made my breakfast, and got ready.  We left the house before the sun was up.  It was a little chilly and sort of windy, but it would be about 55 degrees by the time the race started.  Nearly perfect weather.

We parked at the garage I park in for work, and went into my building to take advantage of a no-line bathroom, but of course I had to go again before the race started.  We took our time walking over to the corrals, and then went into one of the hotels lining the street.  No sense in standing outside for 45 minutes.  About 7:10 I decided it was time to get in the corral.  I was feeling pretty nervous, although I don’t know why.  It’s just running.  It’s not like I’m going to win or anything.

 After standing in the corral for about 15 minutes, the beach balls came out.  I don’t understand this phenomenon.  First, I am getting ready to run 13.1 miles.  Why do I want to spend precious energy batting around beach balls?  Second, are all of those balls really going to make it off the course path before the race starts?  Third, who brings things beach balls?  Organizers of the event?  Other participants?  Why do people think this is a good idea?!

It was finally time to go.  I was in corral F, so I had a bit to walk before actually crossing the start line.  Everyone around me began running, but again, why run any more than 13.1 than necessary.  I did not run until I got to the start line.  Despite having been seeded, there were what seemed like thousands of slower runners ahead of me.  My first mile was 9:11, more than a minute slower than the pace I was aiming for.

I tried to pick up the pace, but not too much.  I still only passed people when I could do so without dodging or weaving.  By mile 2, I seemed to be back on pace (or so I thought).  Around mile 5 I finally felt like I was getting my stride.  I’d made a couple of water stops, and on the advice of my new friend/running buddy/nutritionist, I decided I would stop for a few sips of Gatorade at the next stop.  Despite feeling like I had hit my stride, I was also feeling a bit tired.  I was a little concerned because I wasn’t halfway through yet, and was feeling much worse than I ever had during the previous two races.

Around mile 8, I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to make the time I wanted.  If I kept up my pace, I would, but I was certain at that point that I wasn’t going to be able to keep it up for another five miles.  At mile 10, I decided I was NEVER going to run a half marathon again, a marathon was completely out of the question, who cares about running the Boston Marathon, and I might never ever run again.  I felt like I had no energy.  What was going on?  I had eaten what I was supposed to eat.  I had loaded up on good carbs the last three days and ate the same breakfast I always do.  What happened?  Was I even going to be able to finish?

I stopped at the next to water stops and walked a little bit farther than I normally would, just to try to get a little rest and be able to make it to the end.  I stopped for some more Gatorade.  That helped for like a half mile.  Finally, I got to the point where I had to walk a bit, even though there was no water stop.  I hate to admit that, but it’s what I had to do in order to finish.  At mile 11, I was really struggling, but thinking “Only 2.1 more miles…you’ve made it this far…only 2.1 more.”  At about a mile and a half left, I saw one of my coaches, who cheered me on and encouraged me to finish strong.  That was what I needed.

I made it to 12, and knew I could make it to the end even if it was slowly.  I turned a corner and could see the finish line in the distance.  I got closer.  Three quarters of a mile.  I could do it.  Half a mile.  Almost there.  I wasn’t moving very quickly.  A quarter mile.  Still so far to go.  I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and decided to give it one last push as I crossed the finish line.

 At first I was pretty disappointed in my time.  I still couldn’t understand what had happened.  Then I met up with my husband, and he told me my split for the first 7 miles or slow.  I was running at a 7:36 pace.  Guess what?  I don’t run that fast.  I’ve never run that fast.  I was going for an 8:05-8:10 pace.  Whoops.  So that explained what happened.  I still ran a faster time than when I ran the race a year before, so I decided to focus on that.  I’m also using the fact that I can’t pace myself as an excuse to get a Garmin to track my distance and pace.

 And, after it was all said and done, I still got my medal.  Oh, and after a few hours at home, I decided swearing off running was a bit premature.  I’m not certain that I’m ready to attempt a marathon in the fall, but I’ll do another half (at least one more…).

Decluttering and Simplifying

Once or twice a year I like to go through the closet and clean things out.  I supposed the desire to do some spring cleaning hit me yesterday, and I took it to a whole new level.  It started with the photos on my external hard drive.  I switched to a new editing software and was learning about organizing the photo library.  There were around 4,000 photos on that drive, and I knew many of them could be deleted.  What better time to do it than when I’m working on organizing.

I love organization and lists, but it seems like things get out of control despite my best intentions.  This year, I didn’t even buy a calendar for our house.  I know, I know.  Who needs a paper calendar with a Smartphone.  There’s just something I love about writing birthdays and travel plans on a calendar.  So, I decided I would start using the iCal on the MacBook Pro.  No, it’s not the same as a paper calendar with pretty pictures, but it’s fun to use.  And we plan on getting iPhones soon, so everything will sync.  Synchronized organization!

I got through a decent number of photo folders, but was getting hungry.  I started getting ready, and then got sidetracked going through the closet.  It’s a natural time for closet organization with the seasons changing.  This time I went through with serious determination. All those clothes that I thought about getting rid of before, but left in there, positive I would wear them the very next week, were gone.  No hesitation.  However, I waffled on a few pairs of pants.  Over the years, I have spanned six different sizes.  I still have some of what I like to call my “big girl pants” (and no, I don’t mean maturity level).  It would take some dedication to have to wear those pants again, but what if we have kids and what if I gain 60-80 pounds like some of my friends have?  So, I held on to them.  Perhaps I’m setting myself up by keeping them…hmm, it’s not too late to put them in the Goodwill bag…

After pulling out stacks of clothes and organizing what was left, I felt like I’d tackled enough for the day.  Unfortunately, a few hours later I stopped at one of my favorite clothing stores and bought five or so items to “replace” what I had pulled out of the closet.  But I got a good deal!  Everything was 40% off!

Today, I decided to tackle my personal email account.  That Type A part of my personality feels the need to save a copy of all my sent messages…in my personal email…which I use to email friends and family.  Who does that?  I looked in my sent mail folder and had over 3,500 messages dating back to August of 2008!  Look at what happens when I have unlimited storage space.  Don’t get me wrong, it was entertaining to have a short trip down memory lane, but that was way out of control.  I deleted everything, and changed my settings so that no copy is saved.  If I need to keep something for some reason, that’s what the bcc is for.  After deleting all those messages, I was again hungry, and could not bear to go through the rest of the folders today.  Just imagine how many “real” messages I’ve saved if I had 3,500 irrelevant sent messages?  I couldn’t face it.

Now that I have started the decluttering process with new vigor than ever before, I am hoping the I can continue to stay organized and simplify life.  It makes it much easier to enjoy down time if I’m not worrying about the clutter around the house.  I’m optimistic.  However, the means I should probably go fold the laundry…