To 2013

I’ve been struggling to find the focus of this first post of the new year. I’m not one to make resolutions, and who really wants to read a list of my goals for the year? Usually, I’m excited about the start of a year – a clean slate full of so much possibility.  2013 came around and I couldn’t find that excitement.  It took me a while to figure out why.

The last few years have started with much to look forward to – getting married, starting new jobs, going on a honeymoon. I had extremely high hopes for 2012. I started a new job just before the start of the year, and I was anticipating good things happening in my personal life. Those high hopes were gone shortly after the start of the year. It wasn’t long before I realized that the new job wasn’t what I’d thought it would be. My stress level increased, my summer disappeared, and all those good things I’d hoped for were distant memories. As 2013 approached, I realized I really had nothing to look forward to. I feel trapped in my job with no out in sight. Vacation planning is on hold as is trying to decide what races I can sign up for (for a couple of different reasons). I just feel lost.

I finally took the Christmas decorations down over the weekend. Most years I’m ready for everything to be put away for another year, to get rid of the clutter, and for things to go back to normal. This year I felt sad as I looked around at the bare mantle and staircase. All I saw were the grand ideas I’d had over three years ago that never came to fruition. All I could think about was the upcoming five-day work week – the first one in four weeks. How would I ever make it through?

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself. I finally wrote out my goals – by hand in my planner. Seeing everything in front of me in black and white (or blue and white as the case may be) was surprisingly therapeutic. I looked at what I had written, and I made the conscious decision to not let 2013 get the best of me. And then I realized what my first post of the new year should focus on.

So, 2013, this is what I have to say. You might suck worse than 2012 did. I realize that is a very real possibility. You might be the best year of my life (FYI this is what I’m hoping for). Regardless of what you decide to throw at me, good or bad, I won’t let you dictate how I feel. I want to be happy, and I’ve been focusing too much on the perception of what a happy life is “supposed” to look like. I have been spending too much time wishing my days away. No more. Things might change for the better. Or they might change for the worse. Either way, I have to make the most of what I have. That doesn’t mean accepting where I’m at, or not looking for opportunities. But it does mean looking for and finding the good in every day.  It means making an effort to be happy even though this isn’t where I imagined I would be at this time in my life. It means changing my attitude. I will go to bed tonight reminding myself of all the good things I have to look forward to tomorrow. And I will wake with a smile instead of a sigh.

That’s it, 2013. That’s what I expect. I look forward to our time together.