Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

I say this trying to convince myself of the positivity of the message. But I don’t quite believe it yet. I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for. After five long weeks of waiting, I was not all that surprised to find the thin envelope in the mail yesterday. It’s hard to decided how I feel – disappointed, devastated, embarrassed, angry, annoyed, relieved. I try reminding myself of the words I wrote some time ago – everything happens for a reason. Deep down I know this is the best outcome, but that doesn’t make the rejection suck any less.

It sucks because I was looking for an out from this job. I was looking for a new city with liberal and progressive thinkers. I was looking for beautiful paths to run along. I was hoping for more money (aren’t we all?) and insurance. I was hoping for a new beginning.

So now I must focus on the silver lining. The fact that it didn’t take me long to find it tells me that this was what was supposed to happen right now. We don’t have to worry about selling our house in a market that is less than stellar. We don’t have to worry about crash-course dog training to get our crazy mutts ready to live in an apartment building or condo. We don’t have to live apart for who knows how long. I have a much better chance of starting a photography business in a city where I know people and have a network. We don’t have to leave our friends. We have a pretty good little bubble of life.

But what about the elephant in the room? My current job. I truly feel like my opportunities are nil in this city to move to another firm. Maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but everyone else who has been practicing the same length of time as me has something to offer a firm (and by that I mean clients = money/profits). I can’t offer that. I feel stuck.

So, let’s look for the silver lining again. Had I gotten the job, there is no question that I would have been forced to work as an attorney, well, pretty much forever. The cost of living would have dictated that. That’s not what I want. This job allows me flexibility to pursue photography and writing. It allows me to work from home. It pays me decent money. It will allow me to work at home once we have kids. Look at all the positives.

Truthfully, I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I think I’m allowed for a little longer. But not much longer. Because today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’ve got dreams to pursue.

Envisioning Adulthood

As I was driving to and from my hearings yesterday morning, I allowed my eyes to wander (just a bit!) to the farmland and houses dotting the scenery along the highway.  I started thinking about having two active dogs in the city with a postage stamp-sized yard.  One thought led to another (you know how that goes) and before long I was thinking back to my younger days and what I had originally envisioned my grown-up life to be like.

I don’t just mean jobs and careers.  I mean the whole package – family, kids, pets, cars, house.  Surprisingly, now that I have reached adulthood (or at least now that “society” deems me to be an adult as I am in my 30s), I haven’t really thought about whether my teenage visions matched what had actually come to be.  I thought about it, and was a little bit shocked that my ideals had indeed shifted over time and I’d barely even noticed.  What happened to my self-awareness?!

When I was younger, my visions centered on family.  I wanted to get married, although I had no real time line.  I wanted to have kids – 3 of them.  I imagined a big, old, rambling farmhouse with acres of land for the kids to play on, and animals to roam over (cats, dogs, and at least one horse).  I suppose I planned on working, but something fun and creative.  Truthfully, most of me hoped I could be a stay at home mom.  I write that with some hesitation as I have always prided myself on advocating for gender equality, career women, and shared responsibilities.  Not that you can’t have gender equality and shared responsibilities, and even a career, if you stay at home, but once I got to college I had decided I was going to “have it all.”  A career, a family, a Lexus.  Don’t worry – I have since realized what a huge waste of money luxury vehicles are (I currently drive a 7-yr-old Honda).  I never once uttered aloud that I wanted to stay home.

Perhaps it had to do with my first serious boyfriend.  I was a sophomore in college when we met.  He was a bit possessive, a bit more jealous, and essentially told me if we got married I would stay at home with our kids.  Hmmm…what was the point of this business degree I was working towards?  That relationship ended after about two years, but during that time I became more determined to have a successful career.  Did I ever stop to define success?  No.  Perhaps that would have helped.

And now, almost fifteen years after graduating from high school, I’ve got the career  (it’s not what I would consider successful because I despise it), and I am married, but nothing else matches those old visions.  I met and married my perfect match much later in life than expected.  As mentioned, I’m in my 30s and no kids yet.  Yes, I’ve realized having three children is no longer a realistic plan.  I have a dog (likely soon to be two), but my cats now live with my mom and I only get to see horses once a year at the state fair.  I live in the city and share a driveway with my neighbors.  See above reference to size of yard.  Oh, I’m sorry, we do have possums and raccoons.

So, what was the point of these random musings in the car?  I’m not entirely sure yet.  While the specific details of my envisioned adulthood are distinctly different, have my underlying ideals really changed that much?  Family is still most important to me.  My focus now needs to be on making it a top priority.  Part of getting to that point is making sure I am a happy and satisfied me.  Now we’ve come full circle back to repaving the career path.  In the meantime, I’ll be satisfied with sitting in the couch, blogging on my new MacBook Pro, watching my sleeping husband and dog(s), in my big, old, rambling brick house in the city.  And enjoy that, for the time being, we were able to go out for a delicious dinner without having to find a babysitter.

Dear Me From Ten Years Ago

It is about six weeks into second semester of your first year of law school.  You have received most if not all of your grades and disappointment does not adequately describe how you are feeling.  Good grades always came easy in undergrad, and this is a new feeling for you.  It’s OK – your grades really don’t matter.  I know that isn’t much consolation, especially considering all of your classmates are now starting to talk about summer associate interviews and job offers.  The hallways are abuzz with discussion about who in the class is in the top ten percent, who is number one and who is number two, and can you believe so and so is that smart?  All you know is that they aren’t talking about you.  Get used to it, because this is going to happen every time grades come out.  You think it would get old.  It doesn’t.

You are starting to have doubts about going to law school in the first place.  It’s nothing like you expected.  Explore those doubts.  Figure out where they are coming from.  I won’t overtly encourage you to quit law school, mainly because I know that would be pointless.  You won’t quit.  That’s just not how you operate.  But I strongly encourage you to explore other opportunities within the law school program.  A traditional law firm career is not for you, which you already know.  Take advantage of career services and find out about what you can do with your degree that doesn’t involve the actual practice of law.  Supposedly there are a lot of options out there.  I’m hoping by tell you this now, before you get too far into the process, you will find out what those options are.  It’s too late for me.  I have yet to come across such a job.

Seriously think about a joint masters program with the business school or any other dual degree programs that they offer.  I know that guy from the entrepreneurship club told you not to get too many degrees from one school, but he was also sitting at the bar and drinking.  I’m telling you from my experience, any additional education will help you when you get to where I am.  Think about an overseas study program.  Don’t worry about the cost.  Don’t worry about being too far away from your mom or your boyfriend.  Think about what a great opportunity it would be for you – one that will not present itself again.  Consider taking classes that seem interesting to you, not because they are going to be on the bar exam.

Speaking of the boyfriend – dump him.  I know that right now everything seems wonderful, but deep down you know that’s not true.  You know something is not quite right.  He is still mad at you because you got into law school and he didn’t.  He will harbor that anger for years and it will manifest itself in very unhealthy ways.  Get out now.  The fact that you are not making any new friends at the law school doesn’t seem that important right now because you have him and all of your undergrad friends who are on the five-year plan.  Next year, it will be a big deal.  Everyone else is going to graduate and move on.  It will just be you and him and things will start to go downhill fast.  Don’t ignore the signs.  Be strong.  You will be OK alone.  Trust me – it will be better in the long run.

As you ultimately start to think about what you will do after graduation, know that the $85,000 salaries promised during career information seminars are not as abundant as you are led to believe.  Think about leaving the midwest.  Think about Washington, D.C.  You will come to love D.C., but by the time you do it will be too late to seriously consider living there.

I suppose I should be somewhat cautious about my advice to you.  We both know I believe everything happens for a reason.  The actions taken ten years ago led you down the path to where you are now.  There were many stumbles along the way, but life as you will know it in ten years will be pretty darn good for the most part.  So, dearest me from ten years ago, forget everything I just told you.  Do all of the things you did the first time, and I promise to help you through the rough spots.  But here’s one safe piece of advice – take a photography class.  You can thank me later.

The Procrastinator Reports Back

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about two important things that I had been putting off for fear of rejection and failure.  I am trying to build a photography portfolio and I know that in order to do this I need to start taking pictures of people.  I also know that there is a lot I don’t know about the business side of photography, and the best source of information is other photographers.

I finally summoned up enough courage to email our wedding reception photographer and ask if she would be willing to talk with me.  I agonized over the wording of the email and it was only about four lines long!  I deleted and revised and let the email sit in my draft messages for most of the day.  I knew that I would eventually send it, so I’m not sure what caused the paralysis.  After reading the email for the 100th time or so, I finally pushed send.  And waited…and waited…or so it seemed.  She actually got back to me in just two days or so.  And what did she say?  She said she would be happy to speak with me!  One more step forward.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, we had some friends over for dinner.  They have two adorable boys – the oldest is almost four, and the youngest is not quite a year.  I sent my friend the link to my photo blog and suggested a family photo shoot once the weather gets warmer – outside shots are much more fun and I’m still not overly confident in my indoor lighting skills.  She also thought that was a great idea!  Another step forward!

I feel excited about these opportunities.  However, I have never been a patient person, and the thought of having to wait two more months until the weather is warmer is agonizing!  I am still working on expanding my skills by completing daily photo assignments suggested by The Daily Shoot.  It’s a great site because the assignments really require me to expand outside my normal shooting range.  In addition, the assignments spark other ideas that I might not have otherwise thought of.

Don’t worry – I’m still a procrastinator at heart.  Now my procrastination efforts are focused on putting off assignments for my regular job in order to pursue my true passions!

When Life Gets in the Way

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and stressful at work.  I have found myself struggling to find time for the things that are truly important.  The result is that I become frustrated, withdrawn and angry.  I know this is not the best or most productive way to deal with such things, but when I continue to get work emails from my bosses during evening hours (including late Sunday) about things that are not pressing or even important, I want to hurl my phone across the room.  Luckily I have yet to do this.  I have, however, been taking very loud, deep breaths.

It is easy to take small steps towards a long-term life-changing goal.  It is much harder to take leaps that actually start real changes.  And I feel that my job is getting in the way of taking those leaps.  I’m not entirely certain how to deal with that yet, because I obviously can’t quit my job.  But I only have so much time in a day, and important and personal things are taking a back burner (including the laundry!).  I feel like I haven’t had the proper time to devote to taking pictures or writing.  I have not been happy with any of my recent projects.  I know that the point of posting every day is just simply to get as much practice as possible, whether writing or taking photos.  But since I’m doing this in an attempt to change my fate, I want to be able to take my blog posts seriously.  I don’t want to just throw something together just to say I did it.  I want to put forth something worthy of reading or viewing.

I think the best way to combat this is to start getting up earlier.  I have been struggling to get up early because it just means I have to go to work.  But perhaps if I look at it as just time for me and those things that are important maybe it will be easier to get up.  And if that’s the plan, I should start thinking about getting to bed!

Just Shoot Me

Ever since I was a kid I remember loving pictures.  I love looking at them.  I love taking them.  I remember my dad always having an SLR camera with an external flash to take pictures of whatever my brother and I were doing.  I’ve had a camera ever since I can remember, although I don’t have a distinct memory of my first camera.  I’ve had all kinds of cameras, though (sadly, never a Polaroid).  I had the kind that took film in disk form (like the old View Masters (Finders?)).  I had one that was pink and long and skinny (kind of like the old Fisher Price toy camera with a “flash”).

I can look at pictures of total strangers and be completely engrossed for hours.  I remember looking through old pictures of my parents when I was younger.  I still pour over those albums for hours every so often.  Once a year or so I pull them off the shelf at my mom’s house and look through them.

So, what’s the big deal?  I love that a photograph can capture one small instant for eternity.  A moment you might never have otherwise remembered.  I love that emotions are captured forever.  I can pick up photos from years ago, and the feelings and memories related to that time will instantly come flooding back to me. 

What is even better is when I look at pictures of people I don’t know or events that I didn’t attend, and I have those same feelings wash over me, as if I was there or I did know them.  If that’s how I feel as someone on the outside, imagine how great those images must be for the people they were made for.  The love and happiness on your wedding day forever suspended in time.  The fun and laughter of your first child’s first birthday.  These are moments you never want to forget, and a good photograph will capture everything that made that moment special.

That’s why I love photography.  I have boxes of pictures that I have taken over the years (when cameras used film and you had to print them out in order to see what you shot.  I miss that sometimes).  Pictures of school functions, family functions, friends, pets, travels.  I had thought before about being a photographer, but never seriously.  I have no formal training or real experience as a photographer.  What a ridiculous idea that would be. 

I started evaluating what I wanted out of a career.  I went to law school to “help people.”  So naive and idealistic, I was.  I don’t help people in the way that I thought I would help people.  I realized that what I had really started out to do was to make people happy.  How could I use something I am passionate about to make people happy?  Photography has always been something I loved.  And pictures make people happy.  Even if you hate having your picture taken, a well-composed image that presents you in a way you never thought possible will make you happy.  (I swear!)

And then I thought – why not?  Why shouldn’t I throw caution to the wind for once?  I can buy a nice camera and take photography classes.  I can stalk  network with photographers, offer to shadow for free, con my friends into letting me take pictures of their kids.  I could build a portfolio.  I could do this (and better to do it now while I’m still fairly young and don’t have children).  So began my adventure into trying to become a photographer.  It’s still in the early stages, but I feel good about it.

I recently asked my dad about that old SLR.  He used that camera until just a few years ago, and I was curious if he still had it.  He did, along with the same neck strap and bag that I remembered so clearly.  I looked through the bag after he left and was perusing through the instruction manual and warranty cards.  I came across the receipt.  I wasn’t even five years old when he bought it, and my brother was about six months.  That explained why for as long as I could remember that was our family camera.  It did not, however, explain why the warranty cards were still in the bag.

I just realized I haven’t looked through those boxes of photos for a while.  What better way to spend a snowy evening.

Crossing Paths

I had a couple of ideas for today’s post, but I’m putting those on the back burner.  I just had to write about what happened tonight at my running group’s first meeting, and really, it goes along with the theme of the past few days.  I have been looking forward to the start of training for a few weeks now.  I am always ready for the program to end by the time the race rolls around, and I enjoy the two months off in between, but I am always so excited to get back to it.  The process of preparing for a race is exhilarating.  And with every new program, I always meet a new friend.

We were doing introductions and our new resident nutritionist said that she was training for the Boston Marathon (after she participated in an Ironman in September).  I haven’t talked too much about this, but I have aspirations of qualifying for the Boston this fall.  I wouldn’t be able to run it until 2013 due to the timing of the qualifying race.  Anyway, she and I started talking about how to train for a marathon, and as we started our evening run it became obvious that we were about the same pace.  Which I guess should have been evident since she looked younger than me and therefore would also have to run the same pace in order to qualify for Boston.

For those of you who are runners, you know that it really is very difficult to find a running partner.  You want to find someone who is a very similar pace, and has similar goals (ie – doesn’t mind trying to go faster).  It is also important to find someone who you have things in common with other than running.  If you are going out for a 10-mile training run, you want to have something to talk about.  So far, I have not been able to find someone who meets all of those qualifications, but I don’t mind running by myself.

The nutritionist and I started talking, and we discovered that not only did we grow up in the same town, but we lived about a mile or so from each other!  We continued to chat about jobs, and I found out that she used to work for the same law firm that I worked for right out of law school.  I must have started shortly after she left.  I now recall seeing her name on documents and such.

Then I started thinking about how many times our paths must have come near each other, but never quite intersected.  As someone who believes there is meaning in everything that happens, I truly believe she and I had not met before now  for a reason.  Maybe she will be the one to help me get to Boston.  Maybe we will become regular running partners.  Maybe we will just be buddies through this one training program.  Or maybe we will become bestest girlfriends.  Our paths have now crossed, and I can’t wait to see why.  I just love it when life tosses something unexpected and good your way.

And, yes, tonight’s run was completely in the dark.  I had to use to my flashing red running light for safety.

Can You Choose Your Own Path?

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post and in response to a thought-provoking comment from a fellow blogger, I thought I would continue to discuss the path of enlightenment.  What do I think my path is?  I’m still trying to figure that out, but I know for certain that it requires divergence from my current path.  I like to think that I have the strength and courage to build the path in front of me, to open doors I build, and pursue the unknown.

I haven’ t always had that courage.  In fact, I’ve stood before opportunities too afraid to take them, too afraid to even move.  And so there I stayed, on a circular leg of my path, even though I knew where I was heading was detrimental to my mental health and physical well-being.  Eventually I found the strength to make changes with the help and unconditional support of a few wonderful friends.

I now have a fantastic support system in my husband (and dog) and am looking forward to our journey together.  I hope that someday soon the pitter-patter of little feet will join us on our path.  But that part of my life is only part of my path.  What about the rest of who I am?  What about what I do to help support my family?

As I’ve mentioned before, I am not satisfied with my career choice.  I realized about a year or so ago that things were not going to change unless and until I created new opportunities for myself.  The first step was to figure out what I wanted to do.  After all, how can you change  your path without knowing the general direction that you want to go in?  I thought about what aspects of being a lawyer are most unsatisfying to me.  I thought about what I wanted from the perfect career.

And what I came up with is writing and photography.  The two really do go hand in hand.  What is photography but telling a story with pictures instead of words?  I have always loved writing and reading.  I have thought about being a writer many times.  I could write novels, I could write textbooks, I could write any number of things.  (That’s not to say they would be published! – I recognize the distinction.)  I finally decided that if my ideal career involved writing, that’s what I should do.  All writing requires is a pen, paper, and ideas.  (Luckily I also have a computer and the internet).

Photography has taken more time to evolve.  First, being a photographer requires more tools than being a writer, and it is expensive to obtain those tools.  But thanks to my generous husband, I received the camera I needed to start learning and building a portfolio.

So, I keep writing and I keep taking pictures, and I plan to pave the next portion of my path with both.  I plan to make opportunities for myself because such a drastic change does not come about by sitting and waiting.  I expect that it will be hard.  I expect obstacles and challenges.  But I don’t plan on giving up.  I know that there is a path out there that will lead me to a satisfying life.  A path that, when I look back over it at the end of the journey, makes me feel proud and happy.  And it’s my job to uncover it.

Why Things Happen

Do I think everything happens for a reason?  Yes.  Do I always know what that reason is?  No.  At least not at first.  Throughout life I have been presented with many options and made many decisions.  Often times I have then realized that a decision I made was not only wrong, but absolutely the worst choice I could have made.  Then somehow, unexpectedly, another opportunity arises that I never would have been in a position to take advantage of if I hadn’t made a misstep.

I don’t pretend to know who presents the proverbial “open door.”  Maybe it’s God.  Maybe it’s pixies.  Maybe it really is just one big coincidence.  That, in fact, is probably the reality, but I don’t like to think that life is just a bunch of unconnected happenstance.  I prefer to think that the choices I make (the conscious and mostly well-thought out choices) in fact are guiding me along my path in life.

I don’t believe that our paths are linear.  At least mine certainly has not been.  Sometimes the path is circular.  Sometimes it’s a maze.  Sometimes there is an unexpected U-turn and you have to go back and do things over again.  I know that for me, the choices that I have made have always, eventually, furthered me along my journey.  I suppose the reason why I think everything happens for a reason is because everything has happened to me for a reason.  I can look over all of my choices, good and bad, and see that they have led me to where I am right now.  Which, for the most part, is a pretty good place to be.

I’ll give an example.  Due to a bad decision, I was forced to look for a new job.  It took a while to find something, and I ended up accepting a job I wasn’t 100% certain about.  After I accepted but before I started, I had another interview.  I knew after that interview that the firm would be a much better fit than the job I had accepted.  However, I really wasn’t expecting a second interview, so I figured it didn’t matter.  I was invited back – after I had already started the new job.  I wasn’t going to just quit the new job, even though it was clear from the start that it was not what I was expecting. 

It has always been hard for me to quit a job.  I feel a strong sense of loyalty (sometimes irrationally so) to my employers and used to feel really guilty when turning in my resignation even when the job was not a good fit for me personally.  I have gotten better about that.  Anyway, the point of the story is that my (now) husband also worked at that firm, and I don’t know that we ever would have met if I hadn’t accepted that job (I did end up leaving the job after about 15 months).

I have many other examples, but what else would I talk about for the rest of the year?  I have to save something for later!

Unexpected News

As predicted, we did get snow overnight and I chose to stay home.  Around 10 am, my phone rang and I knew that it was my mom.  She almost always calls me whenever we have bad weather to make sure that I made it to work OK.  (Most days I’m still at home!).  It was indeed her, checking in on my commute.  The call then took an unexpected twist as she told me her employer announced today that the company would be closing.  The company was purchased (merged) a few years back and there had been talk then that her office would be closed.  Apparently that day will officially be here in about six months.

I can’t even imagine what she is feeling.  They are offering jobs to anyone who wants to move to the parent corp and severance to those who don’t.  However, my mom is pretty close to retirement age, and to pick up and move at this point in life has to be an overwhelming prospect.  It may be the best choice financially, though.

I’m trying not to feel stressed out, because I feel like I should try to remain calm for her.  She’s the one who deserves to be stressed out.  I hope that I can give her sound advice, although I have never been faced with such a big decision.  She’s lived in her current town since we moved there in 1982.  She has a strong social network.  I’m not sure how she would handle picking up and moving about 3 hours away.

I am anxious to talk to her and hear more about what she found out today.  Maybe a number of current employees will take the opportunity to move, making that option less like starting over.  Regardless of what she decides to do, it will mean big changes for the future.  Hopefully this will be an opportunity to focus on the positives of an unexpected challenge.