Stuck

I have been feeling a bit stuck lately. I’m not sure what my next step should be. After the huge let-down of not getting that job, I have been a bit crabby and depressed. I have been spending more time at work because I need to make up for July’s below-average billables (this was not because I was not working – rather, the law clerks were getting all of the new projects and I literally had nothing to do. Hard to earn any money when you are paid by hour you bill). I did create a website for my photography business, but what I really want to focus on is writing a short story.

One of the colleges in town is offering a creative writing workshop for members of the community. You don’t have to be a student of the university and anyone can apply. A professor teaches the workshop, you are given assignments, and it’s only $200. However, the course is limited to 15 students and you have to apply by submitting a writing sample. While the requirements are “no more than 15 pages”, I know that I probably need only 3000-5000 words. I keep telling myself it should be easy to do, yet I can’t make myself sit down and try writing. I can’t even think of a good idea to write about.

The applications are due September 15. I had hoped to get something started this weekend, but here we are at the close of Sunday and I haven’t even opened my word processing program. I did, however, manage to bill 7.9 hours. Something seems a bit off there, don’t you think?

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

I say this trying to convince myself of the positivity of the message. But I don’t quite believe it yet. I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for. After five long weeks of waiting, I was not all that surprised to find the thin envelope in the mail yesterday. It’s hard to decided how I feel – disappointed, devastated, embarrassed, angry, annoyed, relieved. I try reminding myself of the words I wrote some time ago – everything happens for a reason. Deep down I know this is the best outcome, but that doesn’t make the rejection suck any less.

It sucks because I was looking for an out from this job. I was looking for a new city with liberal and progressive thinkers. I was looking for beautiful paths to run along. I was hoping for more money (aren’t we all?) and insurance. I was hoping for a new beginning.

So now I must focus on the silver lining. The fact that it didn’t take me long to find it tells me that this was what was supposed to happen right now. We don’t have to worry about selling our house in a market that is less than stellar. We don’t have to worry about crash-course dog training to get our crazy mutts ready to live in an apartment building or condo. We don’t have to live apart for who knows how long. I have a much better chance of starting a photography business in a city where I know people and have a network. We don’t have to leave our friends. We have a pretty good little bubble of life.

But what about the elephant in the room? My current job. I truly feel like my opportunities are nil in this city to move to another firm. Maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but everyone else who has been practicing the same length of time as me has something to offer a firm (and by that I mean clients = money/profits). I can’t offer that. I feel stuck.

So, let’s look for the silver lining again. Had I gotten the job, there is no question that I would have been forced to work as an attorney, well, pretty much forever. The cost of living would have dictated that. That’s not what I want. This job allows me flexibility to pursue photography and writing. It allows me to work from home. It pays me decent money. It will allow me to work at home once we have kids. Look at all the positives.

Truthfully, I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I think I’m allowed for a little longer. But not much longer. Because today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’ve got dreams to pursue.