Reflections on Christmas

I love Christmas.  I really do. I love finding the perfect gift for everyone on my list.  I love wrapping presents in pretty paper and bows. I love making Christmas cookies (9 kinds this year). I love spending time with family and friends.

I’m not one for organized religion, so for me the Christmas season is about showing the ones you love that you care for and appreciate them.  It’s about being a good and kind person so that others respect you and treat you the same in return.

When I was young, my brother and I would try to stay up all night waiting for Santa.  We never managed to make it the whole night. One of us would usually wake up between two and three a.m. and we would sneak downstairs to see if he’d been there. He always had.  We never touched the presents, just sat on the stairs, staring in awe at the bright packages waiting for us. Then we would run back upstairs to attempt to sleep for another four hours or so.

I do miss that innocence, and I look forward to the day that we can share our Christmas celebration with children.  Watching the faces of the little ones in our is so fun, and I can’t wait to see my own kids run down the stairs Christmas morning to see if Santa came.

Christmas also marks the near-end of another year, which brings mixed feelings. I look forward to whatever opportunities the new year holds (much in the case of 2012), but I also feel a bit sad about the close of the current year.  It marks another year of life passed, another year older, unattained goals.  Sometimes I’m not ready to move on.

This year the changes start early.  I begin my new job in about twelve hours. I’m a bit nervous, but also excited. I’m ready for a change and what better time to do it than at the close of the holiday season.

Where Did You Go?

Wow.  I didn’t think it had been almost two months since my last post.  I’ve been here all along, but much has been going on.  Where to start?

I have been writing a decent amount, but my writing workshop is already over. I am pretty sad about that.  I can’t believe the twelve weeks went by so quickly.  We have one extra session after the holidays, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s completely over. It was everything I’d expected and more.  It was the motivation and support that I needed to start writing regularly.  I still think most of what comes off the tip of the pen is crap, but at least I’m writing something every day.

The class inspired me to research MFA programs. Maybe that’s insane to even consider given the fact that I already have loans I’m paying on for my law degree.  But if it makes me happy, maybe the cost is irrelevant (to an extent)? I’d made a plan.  I was going to apply for programs in a year.  That would give me time to perfect my writing portfolio, take the GRE, and generally prepare for the application process.  That would have me (hopefully) starting a program in two years (preferably someplace warmer than here).

But then I got a new job in the legal profession.  I start next week.  I am looking forward to it, and it will be a great opportunity for my legal career.  How it is going to impact the rest of life remains to be seen. I’m not sure if my 2-year plan can still work.  But maybe it can become a 5-year plan or something.  It’s not like MFA programs won’t be around then.

I’ve been running a lot.  I did six miles yesterday for the first time since July or something.  It felt good.  I signed up for another half marathon in May.  I realized that putting off training while waiting to see whether something happened in another part of life was silly, and that not running was probably impacting those efforts negatively.  (Confused?  That was intentionally vague.  Perhaps more can be shared soon.)

Not only have I signed up for another race, I am fundracing.  Have you heard this term?  As I train, I raise money for an organization called Back on My Feet.  It’s a wonderful program, and I’m happy to be running this race for them. (What’s that?  You need a charitable contribution before the end of the year for tax purposes?  Donate here!)

Which brings me to the final point of this post.  I think it might be time to make this blog a little more “public.”  Yes, I know, it’s already on the internet.  How much more public could it be?  What I mean is, promote it, not be so anonymous.  I want to use this platform as a way to share my training – both running and writing. I want to stop complaining about my profession.  I chose it.  I have to deal with where I am now.  And I have to love and accept that in order to accomplish any other goals that I have.

So, look for some changes around here and a shift in focus.  I hope you’ll still visit.

Following a Schedule

Things have been hectic around here.  Looking for a new job while simultaneously trying to kick-start two new potential careers has proved to be exhausting.  I find myself running out of time to do anything.  When I stopped to think about it, I realized that despite feeling busy, I wasn’t actually accomplishing anything.  I hadn’t submitted any applications.  I hadn’t taken any new pictures or done any blog posts. Everything I was writing was crap.  I needed more time in the day.  But how?

Then I took a hard look at my day.  I didn’t have enough time to get everything done because I wasn’t getting out of bed until 8:00.  I tried to justify it by telling myself that I didn’t have to be at work at any given time, and I was just a little depressed so didn’t I deserve to stay in bed where I was comfortable and happy?  But I wasn’t happy. I was still miserable.

One evening I spent part of my workbook time coming up with a schedule for every day of the week.  First and foremost, it required me to get out of bed earlier.  I have never been a morning person. Ever.  I thought when I started running that the long Sunday morning runs would help me get into a habit of rising with the sun. No such luck.  I was determined this time to do it, though, even if it meant doing it in fifteen minute increments.  The goal of getting up earlier was to give myself time before going to work to look for jobs, submit applications, write or edit photos.  All things that I was either doing while at the office or thinking about doing.  The would hopefully allow me to focus on what needed to be done at work, and I could limit the time I had to be there.

When I got done, I was happy with the schedule.  I looked at it knowing I could do it.  But it remained a flat 1-dimensional list in my notebook for a few weeks.  I just couldn’t bear to pull my body out of bed and face the day any earlier than I had to.  I began thinking maybe I should go see my doctor to get some antidepressants, even though I’ve never taken such medication.  I just couldn’t pull myself out of that funk.

That has changed a bit over the past week. I was forced to get up early last Saturday, Sunday and Monday due to various commitments and schedules. In fact, Monday I had to be out of bed by 5:30 and in the car by 6:30 for a three-hour drive.  After three days in a row of early rising, I thought it wasn’t so bad.  I wasn’t feeling that tired when I got up or by the evening, which is when I usually crash.  I am happy to report that I have successfully gotten out of bed no later than 7:00 (OK, maybe 7:10) for the past seven days. I know that isn’t that early, and I can hear all of you with kids groaning at me.  I know, I know.  But trust me, 7:00 is good for me, and I’ll take it for now.

I’ll tell you, 7:00 feels a lot earlier than it is right now because it is so very dark at that time. However, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing the sun rise every day, and I’ve applied for four or five jobs.  I feel like that hour or so in the morning is my time to accomplish some things.  It’s my time, and I’ve gotten a little grumpy when it gets interrupted. I haven’t done so well on the rest of the schedule, but I’m OK with baby steps.  It will take a while to get into the groove of this new routine.  But, I’ll get there, and it will be so worth it.

In Limbo

I should be working, but quite frankly there is so much going on right now that I’m finding it really hard to concentrate on summarizing medical records. (Although I always find that difficult because it’s so boring!) It doesn’t help that things are slow right now at work and I’m struggling to find enough to do to bill seven hours in a day. I think that is adding to my anxiety.

Last week I had a job interview. It went well (in my opinion), but accepting any offer would mean relocating to a city with a much higher cost of living than what we are used to. This is exciting, scary, and stressful all at the same time. I am not sure when I will hear something, but the waiting is killing me. The feeling of uncertainty is spilling over into all aspects of life. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been taking any pictures. I haven’t been editing the pictures I’ve already taken. I truly feel in limbo.

I know that I need to just push it out of my mind and go normally about my day. But there is just so much to think about if we have to move. Getting the house ready to sell by making repairs (both major and minor), finding a place to live in a city whose neighborhoods we are not completely familiar with, moving two dogs to the city, etc. It’s feeling a bit overwhelming.

But it’s also incredibly exciting. We have been thinking about relocating for quite a while, and we are currently experiencing some major conflict issues with our neighbors. It would be nice to have a fresh start before we have kids when moving could be much more complicated.

I am both dreading and looking forward to the phone call. I hate making life-altering decisions, and I just know that if I get an offer it will not be the proverbial offer I can’t refuse. It will require serious contemplation, discussion, number crunching. In short, it will require me to make said tough life-altering decision. I just hope I make the right choice.

Another Year Older

Monday was my birthday, and I am a firm believer in embracing my birthday. Another year older does mean another year wiser. I like to think of my birthday as my own personal New Year – a time for reflection, change, new beginnings. I don’t mind getting older because I don’t feel older. (Although we went to a concert last night, and maybe I am too old to be out after 11 on a Tuesday!)

In general, it was a pretty good day. My husband made my birthday cake (see left) completely from scratch – including mousse filling and ganache frosting. Am I a lucky girl or what? Also, calories don’t count it they are in the form of birthday cake. One of my favorite parts of any given birthday is the call I receive from my 81-year-old grandma. She is so cute. We basically have the same conversation every year, but I like it. Strangely, I did not get a call from my brother, but perhaps family dynamics are better left for another post.  Birthdays are happy occasions.

I received an unexpected surprise, although I don’t know that it counts as a birthday present. I got a call about one of the out-of-state jobs I discussed previously. I have an interview two weeks from Friday. I can’t believe how quickly it came about, and I’m already fretting over having to make a difficult decision. My husband tells me not to get ahead of myself, which is wise advice, but I can’t help but think about what will happen if I receive an offer too good to pass up and we have to move less than two years after we bought our house.

It’s a new year, so I want to be open to opportunity, but the logistics have me stressed out already. If it weren’t for the house, I would be all for it. Not only would the move mean better opportunities for my current career, it would also be better for writing and photography.

However, it’s probably best to just take one day at a time. That’s one of the things I’m trying to do during this next year of life. No more wishing days away. I will just have to patiently wait for two weeks to pass…

Unexpected Opportunities

I am continuously searching for new opportunities, whether they are related to my current profession or my desired profession.  I search the internet.  I read professional publications. I apply for jobs (lots of jobs) with no expectations that I will ever be hired. At least I’m getting my name out there.  I attend networking events (which I hate) because you never know who you might meet or run into.

I have been presented with a couple of unexpected opportunities recently – none of which are certain, but both of which would likely lead to even more opportunities.  Both would also require moving.  My husband and I have talked for years about moving someplace warmer, someplace with a bigger music scene, with more diversity.  But we’ve never really pursued it because neither of us wants to continue doing what we do, and I fear that moving would likely trap us into our profession.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about what it would mean to pick up and move.  We love our house, and we just moved here barely 20 months ago.  Moving would mean a smaller house (and maybe no house at all, but a condo), perhaps no yard, no garage, longer commute. It would also mean more money (and not just a cost of living adjustment), more people to meet, more opportunities.

We would undoubtedly have to change our style of living, and I don’t mean what we spend our money on. We would have to plan going to dinner, going to the grocery, going shopping.  And what about kids?  We know the good schools around here (and that we can afford most of those we would seriously consider).  But what do we know about other cities?  And before that, what about day care?

When the most recent opportunity presented itself I was excited and starting thinking about all of the positive things that could come of it.  I was able to think of a response for anything negative.  Over the past 48 hours I’ve done a complete 18 and can only think of the negatives, and have nothing positive to say in response.  Does this mean that I’m really not ready to move?  Or does it mean that I’m just letting my fear of the unknown win?

Maybe I should just wait and see what, if anything, actually comes to be.

I Wasn’t Meant To Be An Employee

I read this on another blog the other day (or something to this effect), and it really struck a chord with me.  You wouldn’t think it would take reading this about a total stranger to make me realize how fitting a description this is for me.  I was the person who spent over two years of college majoring only in entrepreneurship.  (During my junior year I wisely added marketing and management).  I’ve never uttered these words aloud before, at least not where anyone besides my husband can hear them.  I feel like there is something taboo about openly making such a bold statement.  I mean, don’t we all think we could run things better than our bosses?

When I started to think about this statement, I started to think about all of the things that I dislike about being an employee (although I technically am not one…go figure).  I then started thinking about all of the hair-brained ideas I’ve come up with related to what I want to do when I grow up.  I realized that a few of them really are not feasible ideas. But I also realized that those things I am most passionate about are those that fit best with a non-traditional work schedule.

Creativity can’t be forced and sometimes it strikes at inopportune times.  That’s why working at home makes the most sense for me.  The thought of working from home, making my own schedule, working on my own deadlines makes me excited. I know some people struggle with not having someone peeking over their shoulder and keeping them on task.  I luckily am not one of those people. Even now when I am able to work from home I find myself more productive than when I spend an entire day at the office.

So the question is, now what?  How do I make that leap?  That part of the plan hasn’t come together yet.  I know it will be slow going.  I know it will have to come together in baby steps.  I wish I could snap my fingers and have everything in place right now.  Since I can’t, I will have to be satisfied with taking one baby step at a time.

Searching for the Silver Lining

The last two weeks have been unbelievably stressful at work, and next week looks to be even worse than the last two combined.  I have to drive to Toledo tomorrow for depositions.  Yes, tomorrow is Sunday.  I don’t like having to work on Sundays.  I will get home sometime on Monday, only to spend about 7 hours in the car on Tuesday and 5 on Wednesday.  Wednesday involves mediating a case that has become contentious for no reason other than I think the Plaintiffs’ counsel just likes being a jerk.  The judge has made some rulings in blatant disregard for the trial rules and has made borderline unethical comments in his orders.  I am having to deal with all of the things that I despise about litigation and that cause me the most stress and anxiety.

On top of that, my assistant out-and-out ignores my instructions.  I’m not sure whether this is intentional or he’s just super bad at his job.  Truthfully, I think it’s a combo deal.  I was assigned a new liability case even though I keep saying I don’t want any more liability cases.  It’s for the carrier that I really hate working for, and the attorney who had it before me left the firm about 5 weeks ago.  The file has been sitting on his office floor that entire time, languishing, missing deadlines.  More things that cause me anxiety.

What this means is that I haven’t had as much time to devote to photography.  I haven’t taken any new pictures since Tuesday.  That is sad.  But I’m trying to find a silver lining in all of this stress and chaos.  I haven’t found it yet.  I think my hotel in Toledo is near a river, so perhaps there will be some photographic opportunities there.  It may also provide scenic running routes.  As for Tuesday and Wednesday, I’m going to have to do a little more digging  Maybe inspiration will strike during the eight hours in the car over Sunday and Monday.

I guess there is one more silver lining.  I have never been more sure that I want to be a photographer and that I have to get out of the legal profession.  Perhaps this sounds cheesy, but photography is the only thing I have ever done that I have actually felt passionate about.  Is it too much to ask to feel that every day?  To actually do something that I love as a living?  I firmly believe that the way I have been feeling the last two weeks is no way to live.  And so I continue my quest to find a new way of living, where work and personal values not only co-exist but foster each other.  I’m not sure I’m any closer, but I’m not giving up.

A New Outlook

As I (thought) I mentioned yesterday, I attended the state bar’s women’s bench/bar retreat.  This is the fifth time I have attended.  Usually I leave the retreat not planning on attending the next year.  It tends to remind me of all the things I dislike about the practice of law and other lawyers in particular.  However, as the year passes, I tend to forget that aspect and focus only on the fun I have with my friends.  This year there were not many seminars that were very interesting to me (including my own).  However, this year there seemed to be a lot of attendees who were solo practitioners.  I asked lots of questions about the make-up of practice areas, office space, billing, accounting, email programs, networks, etc. etc.  Everyone talked about how scary it can be out there on your own with no safety net, but they also talked about how much they loved it.

While I was out of the office attending the conference, I was receiving emails asking me to prepare status reports reporting on a hearing date.  Literally, that is all the status report will include.  A hearing date.  And to top it off, I won’t even be able to sign or send the “status report”.  I was frustrated.  As I spoke to these other women practitioners and thought about having my own practice, I felt scared, but I also felt hopeful.  I’m not saying I’m going to run out tomorrow and hang out my shingle, but I do plan to make some calls about office space, malpractice insurance, and marketing.

I also checked out some of the upcoming seminars being put on by one of the continuing education groups in town.  There are a lot of basic, crash-course seminars coming up in the next few months.  I really think I could do this.  So, again, I am going to put together a written plan.  If you can’t tell, I like plans.  The idea of having an exit plan, so to speak, makes me feel like I can make it through another six months or so at my current firm.

One of my friends who was also attending the retreat sent me a link to an article about how many solo practitioners also have side businesses.  The article was very interesting.  It wasn’t that the solos needed the extra income (although some did).  The point was that attorneys in a solo setting had the opportunity and the skills to break into other career areas.  That spoke directly to me.  I don’t know that photography will every be lucrative enough to replace my attorney income, but to do some of both, and be in complete control of each, could make the law more tolerable.

Nothing is set in stone, yet, but after being away from the office for four days, I’m not feeling sick to my stomach as Sunday comes to a close and Monday approaches.  I can only attribute that to trying to change my outlook on my career path.

Hatching a Plan

I have been whining a lot lately about my job.  I’m frustrated about my work load.  I’m frustrated that many of my friends and classmates are becoming partners and I still have to put someone else’s name on a status report and have little to no client contact.  I feel that at this point in my career I should have more control over what I do and how my cases are run.  I have a degree in entrepreneurship, so having to report to someone for my entire career was never something that appealed to me.  This is why I have been toying with the idea of opening my own firm.  I know that becoming a photographer or a writer is not going to happen overnight.  What am I going to do in the meantime?  How am I going to make it through another two or five or more years as an attorney?

Yesterday I was avoiding doing my work by reading all of the blogs I subscribe to.  I read this post on GOINGPRO (a blog focused on giving advice to photographers aspiring to become professionals) listing five tips about actually making the switch.  It was as if the post were written specifically for me.  I realized that the change I need is not within my current profession.  Well, I mean, it is in that I need to find a new one, but not as far as changing jobs within that profession.  What I need to do is take proactive, concrete steps towards becoming a photographer.  And these five tips, perfectly packaged in a relatively short blog post, are going to help me do it.

I decided that I needed a plan – a “turning pro” plan.  Long term goals, short terms goals, the whole works.  I need to sit down and properly assess HOW to turn this into reality.  It’s not a plan that will come together overnight.  It may take a few weeks or months.  But it’s necessary to put this type of effort in early on.  It will be my business plan.  I can do that, even if the last business plan I drafted was for an undergraduate class many years ago (it did get me into a business plan competition).  I’m even going to use my new iWork programs to put it together.  It will be so official!

There were two tips in particular that struck chords with me.  First, scheduling time every day – even if only fifteen minutes – to take pictures.  I have not been doing that.  I have been developing a (bad) habit of taking a lot of pictures over the weekends or at lunch one or two days a week when I “have time”, and then using those for my posts throughout the week.  I try to take a new picture every day for the Daily Shoot assignments, but sometimes I find a picture I’ve already taken that fits the assignment or I run out of time and don’t complete the assignment (at least that’s the excuse I give).  I know that defeats the purpose of the assignment.  So, from this point forward, at least fifteen minutes every day taking pictures and setting up shots.

The second tip was especially resounding – gradually shed yourself of your day job.  This is something I can get on board with.  I am considered an independent contractor, self-employed (I don’t know that it would actually pass the test) and so long as I am considered such, I can make my own hours.  The first step in my plan is to start working only four days a week.  I should be able to bill the same amount of hours in four days without much trouble.  I won’t have to lose any income, but I will gain so much time.  Having one full day to focus on taking photos, editing, and educating myself will be huge.  I also think it will help my concentration at my day job.  Even if it means spending a couple extra hours at the office on those four days, knowing that I have a day off to focus on something I love will make the time there more tolerable (hopefully).

I know it’s going to be work to hatch my plan, but I’m excited about the prospect and what it ultimately means.  I am a person who likes lists and to-do items, and I love being able to check off tasks as they are accomplished.  It’s a visual report of my progress. Yes, I was one of those kids that lived for “gold stars” in school.  I plan to start earning them again.