The Thoughts In My Head

Hey, blog. It’s been a while. I know. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I have a lot to say. I’m just not ready to say it.

When I started this blog, I was in a kind of negative place. Before long, my posts reflected that, and that wasn’t what I wanted for this space. I made a conscious decision that I would not write any more negative posts. No complaining about work, my profession, etc. Here, I would stay positive.

That’s a lot easier to do when it doesn’t seem like everything is turning to shit. To be honest, 2013 has been a real bitch. I can’t ever recall a more trying three months. It has been really difficult to be positive – about anything.  Whenever I thought about posting, I was focusing on ugly thoughts. So, I didn’t write.

I can’t say that much has changed, but I need an outlet. And, I want to believe that the power of positive thinking works. So, I leave you with three positive things that happened today:

1.  I was able to run in shorts and short sleeves today.

2.  I had an idea for a new story and the first three pages practically wrote themselves.

3.  March Madness resumed.

Don’t worry; this isn’t going to become standard format for future posts. I’m just doing what I can to get in the right frame of mind.

To 2013

I’ve been struggling to find the focus of this first post of the new year. I’m not one to make resolutions, and who really wants to read a list of my goals for the year? Usually, I’m excited about the start of a year – a clean slate full of so much possibility.  2013 came around and I couldn’t find that excitement.  It took me a while to figure out why.

The last few years have started with much to look forward to – getting married, starting new jobs, going on a honeymoon. I had extremely high hopes for 2012. I started a new job just before the start of the year, and I was anticipating good things happening in my personal life. Those high hopes were gone shortly after the start of the year. It wasn’t long before I realized that the new job wasn’t what I’d thought it would be. My stress level increased, my summer disappeared, and all those good things I’d hoped for were distant memories. As 2013 approached, I realized I really had nothing to look forward to. I feel trapped in my job with no out in sight. Vacation planning is on hold as is trying to decide what races I can sign up for (for a couple of different reasons). I just feel lost.

I finally took the Christmas decorations down over the weekend. Most years I’m ready for everything to be put away for another year, to get rid of the clutter, and for things to go back to normal. This year I felt sad as I looked around at the bare mantle and staircase. All I saw were the grand ideas I’d had over three years ago that never came to fruition. All I could think about was the upcoming five-day work week – the first one in four weeks. How would I ever make it through?

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself. I finally wrote out my goals – by hand in my planner. Seeing everything in front of me in black and white (or blue and white as the case may be) was surprisingly therapeutic. I looked at what I had written, and I made the conscious decision to not let 2013 get the best of me. And then I realized what my first post of the new year should focus on.

So, 2013, this is what I have to say. You might suck worse than 2012 did. I realize that is a very real possibility. You might be the best year of my life (FYI this is what I’m hoping for). Regardless of what you decide to throw at me, good or bad, I won’t let you dictate how I feel. I want to be happy, and I’ve been focusing too much on the perception of what a happy life is “supposed” to look like. I have been spending too much time wishing my days away. No more. Things might change for the better. Or they might change for the worse. Either way, I have to make the most of what I have. That doesn’t mean accepting where I’m at, or not looking for opportunities. But it does mean looking for and finding the good in every day.  It means making an effort to be happy even though this isn’t where I imagined I would be at this time in my life. It means changing my attitude. I will go to bed tonight reminding myself of all the good things I have to look forward to tomorrow. And I will wake with a smile instead of a sigh.

That’s it, 2013. That’s what I expect. I look forward to our time together.

Another Year

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a fantastic day.  Most undoubtedly one of the best birthdays ever.  I can’t pin point exactly why.  I got up before the sun to start the day with a run with Back on My Feet.  It’s still hard getting up at 5, but so worth it to actually run in cool temperatures.  I had to spend some time at work, but my group got me the cutest cake ever.  I left early and pampered myself with a mani/pedi.  Up next was another Back on My Feet Event – the Blue Mile Brew Mile at Triton Brewing.  One more mile on the shoes.  Having a Wednesday birthday kind of stinks for celebrating, so we had a low-key dinner at Napolese, with plans to hit up The Libertine and Black Market on Saturday.  The night was capped off with a made-entirely-from-scratch chocolate peanut butter banana cake. (Yep, my husband bakes.)

I love birthdays.  I love my birthday, your birthday, any reason to celebrate a day all about you.  When I was a kid, I didn’t really like having a June birthday.  In elementary school I never got to bring treats on my actual birthday.  I got crammed into the last week of school with all the other summer birthday kids.  (See above re: “all about me”).  Then I realized how awesome it was to have a summer birthday pool party.  Then I didn’t mind a June birthday so much.

I’ve always firmly embraced my birthday, trying to maximize the waking hours of “my” day (18+ hours yesterday!).  I’ve never much thought about age.  I believe you are only as old as you feel.  So, it came as a bit of a surprise when a couple of weeks ago I started to feel some anxiety about the approaching day.  It’s not a milestone birthday – not a multiple of five or ten.  I didn’t understand it.

I turned 30 without much trepidation.  So why now?  I realized the last few years were pretty exciting: buying a new house, getting engaged, getting married, going on a honeymoon.  After all of those big events, it was time to start living life, settling in, growing old, being happy.  But this last year hasn’t really gone as planned.

I wouldn’t say that I have set goals for any given year, but as time progresses, I have expectations about what should be accomplished by certain stages of life.  I’m not saying that this past year is the first year that hasn’t gone as expected.  Far from it.  I’ve had years that were real shitters.  But it’s easier to shrug your shoulders and say, “That sucked, but life goes on,” when you’re in your 20s.  Not quite so easy in your mid-30s.

But for all the anxiety, once the day was finally here, I realized that it’s all OK.  Life doesn’t always go as planned, but it will go on.  Yes, I expected things to be different than they are now, but that doesn’t mean that I have to give up on getting to that place.  I also don’t need to feel bad or try to justify why I am where I am.  Where I am right now is actually pretty darn good, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Surfacing

It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  Six weeks to be exact (if being exact is your kind of thing).  I can’t really pinpoint where I’ve been.  I have plenty of excuses I could give you.  (Work took up half that time.  Then I was sad that work was taking up so much time.  I was out of town for a couple of weekends.  I spent a lot of time reading about The Oatmeal’s trouble with Funny Junk.)  None of them really mean anything.

I haven’t just been neglecting this blog.  I haven’t been writing at all.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  You would think writing would be a welcome retreat, but no, it was more fun to throw myself a pity party.  We’ve all been there.  You don’t really want to go, but you got the invitation and you don’t want to be rude.  Then you end up staying much longer than you ever intended.   So, I guess I did know where I was – trapped in the black hole of self-pity.

I finally decided I was tired of doing that.  I’m trying to get out of the hole and back to the surface where life is happening.  It hasn’t been easy.  I can still hear some of the party-goers shouting after me, “What’s the point?  You’ll never be a writer!  Just stay here with us!  Have another beer!”  Then they crank up some 90s dance mix to try to lure me back in.  They know me so well.  Yes, all the exclamation points are necessary.  They are very enthusiastic about their nay-saying.

In an attempt to drown out said party-going nay-sayers, I’ve been writing in my head.  Yes, yes, all writing thoughts originate in my head.  What I mean is that the thoughts for a story or blog post are flowing out while I’m driving or running (mostly running).  I don’t know if this counts as writing.  Probably not since I have yet to actually put pen to paper for any of them, but the ideas are still clear in my head.  (Is there an app that will translate my thoughts into written word?  Can someone please invent that?)

If it isn’t yet obvious, I have no idea where I’m going with this.  I just felt the need to give some type of explanation as to where I’ve been; although, I really haven’t done that.  I am trying to be accountable.  I’m ‘fessing up to the entire Internet and promising to do better.  It’s almost my birthday, and I want only good things to happen this next year.  I need to get in the right frame of mind.  You know, positive thinking and all that.

So, to summarize, I disappeared for a while because I’m lame, and I let self-doubt take over.  No more!  I’m taking a stand.  To be a writer, you must write, and write I will.  Even if it’s about making dinner or doing the laundry.  Wait – don’t go!  I promise I won’t bore you with posts like that (unless it’s really entertaining, but I wouldn’t hold my breath).

Enough pointless musings for a Monday.  I’ll be back soon – pinky swear.

Welcome, 2012

Good things are going to come this year, I can just feel it.  I can’t exactly pinpoint why, but I haven’t felt this optimistic about a new year in quite some time.  Typically I’m not one for resolutions.  I never stick with them and they become distant memories in a short period of time.  But this year, I’ve come up with a few.  Nothing too unrealistic, nothing too outside my comfort zone.  Just things that I planned on doing anyway, but writing about it will make me more accountable.

1. Write Every Day.  I’m already off to a bad start, having missed yesterday.  But I’m writing today, so that is success.  30 minutes every day at a minimum.  Hopefully I’ll be able to blog more than once a month, and maybe I can make some progress on a couple of book ideas I’ve been working on.

2.  Run 1000 Miles.  At first this seemed like a lot.  That’s like 83 miles a month! But if you break it down even more, it’s less than 20 miles a week.  That is totally doable.  However, I have yet to lace up the running shoes in the new year.

3.  Say I Love You More.  Everyone’s busy.  Me, my family, my friends.  We all have stuff going on.  But it makes me sad when I stop to think how much time passes between telling the people who matter most in my life how much they mean to me.  Along with this, I will make more phone calls, write more emails, and make more time for visits.

4.  Be More Organized.  I used to pride myself on my organization skills.  I’m not sure where it all fell apart, but it did.  I feel like I’m trying to do a lot right now, and the only way to keep on top of it all is to get my life in order.  I do better with a more structured environment, so while I lament the loss of the flexibility of my old job, I look forward to the routine that the new job will provide.  Staying organized also includes keeping my house clean.  I’ve actually accomplished that one – for the most part.  I only have a small amount of dusting and sweeping left upstairs.  Let’s hope it’s not another two months before I life another dust rag.

5.  Be Happy.  I wasn’t sure what to title this last one.  I spend a lot of time fretting and stressing over what other people think.  What if I say something stupid?  What if I make someone angry? What if I’m wrong?  What if I have to argue with someone even though I know I’m right?  All of these “what ifs” are exhausting and not productive.  And silly.  In order to focus on doing things that make me happy, I can’t worry about what other people think.  I can’t waste time doing things I don’t want to do just because someone might be mad if I say no.

Five things.  I don’t think this is too tall of an order.  They aren’t really resolutions, but goals to make 2012 the best that it can be.  I’ll keep you posted on the progress.

Reflections on Christmas

I love Christmas.  I really do. I love finding the perfect gift for everyone on my list.  I love wrapping presents in pretty paper and bows. I love making Christmas cookies (9 kinds this year). I love spending time with family and friends.

I’m not one for organized religion, so for me the Christmas season is about showing the ones you love that you care for and appreciate them.  It’s about being a good and kind person so that others respect you and treat you the same in return.

When I was young, my brother and I would try to stay up all night waiting for Santa.  We never managed to make it the whole night. One of us would usually wake up between two and three a.m. and we would sneak downstairs to see if he’d been there. He always had.  We never touched the presents, just sat on the stairs, staring in awe at the bright packages waiting for us. Then we would run back upstairs to attempt to sleep for another four hours or so.

I do miss that innocence, and I look forward to the day that we can share our Christmas celebration with children.  Watching the faces of the little ones in our is so fun, and I can’t wait to see my own kids run down the stairs Christmas morning to see if Santa came.

Christmas also marks the near-end of another year, which brings mixed feelings. I look forward to whatever opportunities the new year holds (much in the case of 2012), but I also feel a bit sad about the close of the current year.  It marks another year of life passed, another year older, unattained goals.  Sometimes I’m not ready to move on.

This year the changes start early.  I begin my new job in about twelve hours. I’m a bit nervous, but also excited. I’m ready for a change and what better time to do it than at the close of the holiday season.

Where Did You Go?

Wow.  I didn’t think it had been almost two months since my last post.  I’ve been here all along, but much has been going on.  Where to start?

I have been writing a decent amount, but my writing workshop is already over. I am pretty sad about that.  I can’t believe the twelve weeks went by so quickly.  We have one extra session after the holidays, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s completely over. It was everything I’d expected and more.  It was the motivation and support that I needed to start writing regularly.  I still think most of what comes off the tip of the pen is crap, but at least I’m writing something every day.

The class inspired me to research MFA programs. Maybe that’s insane to even consider given the fact that I already have loans I’m paying on for my law degree.  But if it makes me happy, maybe the cost is irrelevant (to an extent)? I’d made a plan.  I was going to apply for programs in a year.  That would give me time to perfect my writing portfolio, take the GRE, and generally prepare for the application process.  That would have me (hopefully) starting a program in two years (preferably someplace warmer than here).

But then I got a new job in the legal profession.  I start next week.  I am looking forward to it, and it will be a great opportunity for my legal career.  How it is going to impact the rest of life remains to be seen. I’m not sure if my 2-year plan can still work.  But maybe it can become a 5-year plan or something.  It’s not like MFA programs won’t be around then.

I’ve been running a lot.  I did six miles yesterday for the first time since July or something.  It felt good.  I signed up for another half marathon in May.  I realized that putting off training while waiting to see whether something happened in another part of life was silly, and that not running was probably impacting those efforts negatively.  (Confused?  That was intentionally vague.  Perhaps more can be shared soon.)

Not only have I signed up for another race, I am fundracing.  Have you heard this term?  As I train, I raise money for an organization called Back on My Feet.  It’s a wonderful program, and I’m happy to be running this race for them. (What’s that?  You need a charitable contribution before the end of the year for tax purposes?  Donate here!)

Which brings me to the final point of this post.  I think it might be time to make this blog a little more “public.”  Yes, I know, it’s already on the internet.  How much more public could it be?  What I mean is, promote it, not be so anonymous.  I want to use this platform as a way to share my training – both running and writing. I want to stop complaining about my profession.  I chose it.  I have to deal with where I am now.  And I have to love and accept that in order to accomplish any other goals that I have.

So, look for some changes around here and a shift in focus.  I hope you’ll still visit.

The Results Are In

I made it into the writing workshop! Last night was the first of twelve classes, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. I got the email on Sunday morning that I was selected for the class. I felt a flood of emotions as I read it – relief, excitement, hope. I think it’s going to be great.

I spent some time yesterday poking around on the school’s website and looking at their MFA in creative writing program. It would take at least two years to complete and would cost a decent amount of money, but every time I think about applying, I feel giddy. I think we’ll see how this workshop goes first. Applications aren’t due until February.

I can’t remember exactly what I was doing yesterday, but I started thinking about things happening and opportunities arising. Some time ago I wrote about why things happen and how we go about choosing our paths in life. I reread those posts and was reminded how relevant they still are. I was thinking about the recent job interview, inflated hope, and devastation when I didn’t get the job. I was ready to move. I was ready to start over.  I was so desperate for these things that I thought I was ready to sell my soul to the legal profession for a pittance of 2000 billable hours a year…forever.

I now know that getting offered the job is not what was best for me. While my husband and I want to move to a city with more opportunity, diversity and culture, I don’t want to do it if the cost is being a lawyer for the rest of my life. I also recognize that had I gotten the job, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be in this writing workshop. I would have read that tweet and scrolled on right past it. But I didn’t. I stopped, I looked up the information, and then I wrote. And I’m still writing. And, I have never been so grateful to receive a rejection letter.

So, do I still think things happen for a reason? Yes, and now I’m even more convinced that is true.

15 Years Later

Last night I went to my fifteen-year high school class reunion. This was the first reunion my class has had. I think that in and of itself should have been a sign that the turnout would be less than stellar. My graduating class was about 225 people. Twelve showed up. Yep, a whopping 5% of our class. Even worse, most of them still all live in my hometown, and (if Facebook statuses can be believed) were in town.

Granted, this was thrown together at the last minute. I think we had maybe eight weeks notice. After some argument  discussion about location, one of my classmates offered to have it at her house in conjunction with her husband’s birthday party. RSVPs totaled about twenty, but I was sure others would show up. We arrived at 6:30 – what I had hoped was fashionably late. Wrong. We were the first reunion-goes there (perhaps I forgot to mention that yes, I forced my husband to go with me). Luckily it wasn’t too long before other quasi-familiar faces showed up. However, when it got to be 7:30, then 8:00, and we were still hovering around ten people, I was pretty certain it was a bust.

As my husband and I stood there having our own conversations, I felt like I had been transported back to high school. I felt like I was at a party that I hadn’t actually been invited to, but had tagged along with a friend who had been invited. There I stood, knowing everyone there but not fitting in. I was disappointed at how quickly I allowed that feeling to come back to me.

High school was strange for me. I’m sure I am not unique in this respect. I knew a lot of people, but I didn’t have a lot of close friends. Those I was close with cycled through every year or so. Friendships only seemed to last as long as I had classes with those people or we were on sports teams together. It was as if there was never really anything more substantive in common to prompt me to make the effort afterwards.

Most everyone who was at the reunion last night seemed to have a “friend” there – either someone they were actually close with or someone they were still connected to. There was another woman there who looked as if she felt the same way I did. I had been looking forward to having a class reunion for a long time. I truly wanted to see how everyone had grown up (and, I’ll admit, to have the stereotypical “look at me now” moment). But it seemed like most everyone else has moved on.

Every so often I feel a bit sad that I don’t have a life-long friend. I don’t have someone who I have known since I was five, or someone I’ve been friends with for twenty years. As I was listening to people talk last night and watching everyone interact, I realized that is not a reflection on me. It just so happened that I grew up with people who I just didn’t have things in common with. That’s not a judgment of them or of me. It’s just what is. And it’s time to stop beating myself up because I don’t have a best girl friend who I have shared secrets with my whole life. I’m not the same person I was fifteen years ago (thank goodness!), and I’m pretty happy with how the way things turned out.

All that being said, should someone organize a twentieth reunion…yeah, I’ll probably go.

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

I say this trying to convince myself of the positivity of the message. But I don’t quite believe it yet. I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for. After five long weeks of waiting, I was not all that surprised to find the thin envelope in the mail yesterday. It’s hard to decided how I feel – disappointed, devastated, embarrassed, angry, annoyed, relieved. I try reminding myself of the words I wrote some time ago – everything happens for a reason. Deep down I know this is the best outcome, but that doesn’t make the rejection suck any less.

It sucks because I was looking for an out from this job. I was looking for a new city with liberal and progressive thinkers. I was looking for beautiful paths to run along. I was hoping for more money (aren’t we all?) and insurance. I was hoping for a new beginning.

So now I must focus on the silver lining. The fact that it didn’t take me long to find it tells me that this was what was supposed to happen right now. We don’t have to worry about selling our house in a market that is less than stellar. We don’t have to worry about crash-course dog training to get our crazy mutts ready to live in an apartment building or condo. We don’t have to live apart for who knows how long. I have a much better chance of starting a photography business in a city where I know people and have a network. We don’t have to leave our friends. We have a pretty good little bubble of life.

But what about the elephant in the room? My current job. I truly feel like my opportunities are nil in this city to move to another firm. Maybe I’m being overly dramatic, but everyone else who has been practicing the same length of time as me has something to offer a firm (and by that I mean clients = money/profits). I can’t offer that. I feel stuck.

So, let’s look for the silver lining again. Had I gotten the job, there is no question that I would have been forced to work as an attorney, well, pretty much forever. The cost of living would have dictated that. That’s not what I want. This job allows me flexibility to pursue photography and writing. It allows me to work from home. It pays me decent money. It will allow me to work at home once we have kids. Look at all the positives.

Truthfully, I’m still wallowing in self-pity. I think I’m allowed for a little longer. But not much longer. Because today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I’ve got dreams to pursue.