To 2013

I’ve been struggling to find the focus of this first post of the new year. I’m not one to make resolutions, and who really wants to read a list of my goals for the year? Usually, I’m excited about the start of a year – a clean slate full of so much possibility.  2013 came around and I couldn’t find that excitement.  It took me a while to figure out why.

The last few years have started with much to look forward to – getting married, starting new jobs, going on a honeymoon. I had extremely high hopes for 2012. I started a new job just before the start of the year, and I was anticipating good things happening in my personal life. Those high hopes were gone shortly after the start of the year. It wasn’t long before I realized that the new job wasn’t what I’d thought it would be. My stress level increased, my summer disappeared, and all those good things I’d hoped for were distant memories. As 2013 approached, I realized I really had nothing to look forward to. I feel trapped in my job with no out in sight. Vacation planning is on hold as is trying to decide what races I can sign up for (for a couple of different reasons). I just feel lost.

I finally took the Christmas decorations down over the weekend. Most years I’m ready for everything to be put away for another year, to get rid of the clutter, and for things to go back to normal. This year I felt sad as I looked around at the bare mantle and staircase. All I saw were the grand ideas I’d had over three years ago that never came to fruition. All I could think about was the upcoming five-day work week – the first one in four weeks. How would I ever make it through?

After dragging myself out of bed this morning, I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself. I finally wrote out my goals – by hand in my planner. Seeing everything in front of me in black and white (or blue and white as the case may be) was surprisingly therapeutic. I looked at what I had written, and I made the conscious decision to not let 2013 get the best of me. And then I realized what my first post of the new year should focus on.

So, 2013, this is what I have to say. You might suck worse than 2012 did. I realize that is a very real possibility. You might be the best year of my life (FYI this is what I’m hoping for). Regardless of what you decide to throw at me, good or bad, I won’t let you dictate how I feel. I want to be happy, and I’ve been focusing too much on the perception of what a happy life is “supposed” to look like. I have been spending too much time wishing my days away. No more. Things might change for the better. Or they might change for the worse. Either way, I have to make the most of what I have. That doesn’t mean accepting where I’m at, or not looking for opportunities. But it does mean looking for and finding the good in every day.  It means making an effort to be happy even though this isn’t where I imagined I would be at this time in my life. It means changing my attitude. I will go to bed tonight reminding myself of all the good things I have to look forward to tomorrow. And I will wake with a smile instead of a sigh.

That’s it, 2013. That’s what I expect. I look forward to our time together.

Finding My Confidence, Part 1

Marathon training started out like gangbusters.  For four weeks, I got in all my miles, all my speed workouts (even those dreaded Yasso 800s), and all my long runs (including a great 10 miler).  Then things fell apart.  I’m not sure what happened.  I missed a long run (beer was involved).  I missed a mid-distance run (beer was again involved).  I went on vacation.  I was busy at work getting ready for a trial.  Before I knew it, two weeks had gone by, I’d hardly run any miles, and I all but forgot what a long run entailed.

I was mad at myself, but I was also starting to get worried.  I’m trying to run a marathon.  This isn’t something I can just half-ass for the next few weeks and then wake up on November 3 expecting to run 26.2 miles.  I don’t want to be miserable, and I don’t want to be out there for five hours.  Despite my fears, I still couldn’t find the motivation to get back on schedule.

I had expected lots of running while I was in San Francisco.  In spite of (or maybe because of) the hills, it’s one of my favorite places to run.  There’s nothing like running along the Bay, through the Presidio, and over to the Golden Gate Bridge.  I’d been looking forward to doing that again since the last time I did it in April of 2011.  It was going to be thirty+ degrees cooler than home, and I was anxious for a fast pace.  We were there for a week.  We ran twice.  I don’t know what happened.  Our first run was great – it was cool; we were fast.  Then it was like some weird depression fog came over me.

We got home on a Wednesday (after 24 hours of being in airports and flying), and upon arrival were greeted by near-triple digit temps and humidity.  That fog followed me home, settled in, and I swear it started talking to me.  “You missed your long run.  It’s already Wednesday afternoon.  You aren’t going to run today.  You’ll never get  your miles in.  You can’t run five days in a row after missing so much time.  Just sit on the couch until next week.”  Not only did I listen, but I bought into it, too.

The weekend rolled around, and still exhausted from “sleeping” on an airplane, I chose sleep over running.  Knowing that I needed to be up by 6:30 in order to accomplish any decent mileage, I repeatedly hit the snooze button until I turned off the alarm.  When I peeked at the clock again, it was 8:45.  Game over.

I wanted to believe that I could just start fresh on Monday.  Just put the past few weeks behind me and start over.  I had a tough speed workout on the calendar and a 12 mile run to try to make up for the missed distance.  If I could get through it all, I would consider myself to be back on track.  The catch was that I was going to be out of town Monday and Tuesday for the trial.  Travel, stress, anxiety, and final preparations were going to make morning runs impossible.  Illinois was just has hot as Indiana.  Did I have it in myself to go out and run in the heat of the late afternoon?

I wasn’t sure, even though I knew if I didn’t get my sh*t together, it would be time to start thinking about changing my entry to the half.

Curious to find out what happens?  Come back tomorrow for Part 2!

I’m Going To Be A Marathoner

Source: monumentalmarathon.com

The first time I participated in a 5K, one of my friends tried to get me to run with the chipped runners.  She told me I only had to run a 9 minute pace.  I looked at her like she was crazy.  It was 2006 (I think) and still a few years before I would start seriously running.  I asked her if she’d ever run the Mini (as it was just a couple of weeks away from this 5K), although as I think about it, I have no idea why running a 5K at a 9 minute pace equated to running a half marathon.  Regardless, her response was, yes, many times, and a number of marathons.  I again looked at her like she was crazy, thinking to myself that running a marathon sounded like one of the most horrible things you could ever voluntarily do to yourself.  Then I asked her how long a marathon was, and almost died.

Now here I am, a little over six years later, getting ready to engage in an activity that I once thought sounded like torture.  I no longer think it sounds like torture, but I am still a bit nervous.  Mostly, though, I’m really freaking excited.

After my first half marathon, I thought that would be the longest distance I would run.  It was doable.  I was content to keep running half marys.  I’m not sure exactly what changed or when, but after a year or so, a full didn’t seem so daunting.  I entertained thoughts of doing one the fall of 2011.  Then I ran my worst race to date – the 2011 Mini.  I went out way too fast, and I hit a wall at mile 9.  I spent the last three miles telling myself I was never running another race again, I might not even run again, and I was never doing a full.  Ever.  Never ever.  Fall training season came around, and between an injury and the still-fresh agony of the Mini, I sat out the season.

As any runner who has vowed to quit running knows, my threats were hollow, and after a few months I was back at it.  I started training for another half, still unsure about whether to tackle a full.  Then the hamstring pain flared up, and I really didn’t know what to do.  To top it off, I couldn’t find a training program that I liked.  In fact, I was still on the fence until last Saturday, when I finally registered for the Monumental Marathon on the last day to get the early bird rate.

So far the hamstring pain has been tolerable, and the program that I stitched together from four or so other programs has been serving me well.  I finally splurged and bought a Garmin.  It has been a great asset for my speed workouts.

I know that there are still 17 weeks of training, and I’ve yet to run a run a distance I’ve never run before, but I’m looking forward to this process.  I think I will learn a lot about myself.  I’ve already learned that while I really hate getting up early, I really hate running in 90+ degree weather more.  If you had told me even six months ago that I would be willingly running between 5:45 and 7:45 in the morning five days a week in order to avoid the sun and heat of the afternoon, I would have said you were nuts.  But here I am, doing exactly that with very little complaining.

My main goals are to stay healthy and injury-free, have fun, and cross the finish line on November 3.  I’ll be sharing the journey with you here.  For those of you also training for a marathon, or thinking about running one, I leave you with this thought, sent to me by one of my good friends:

Hatching a Plan

I have been whining a lot lately about my job.  I’m frustrated about my work load.  I’m frustrated that many of my friends and classmates are becoming partners and I still have to put someone else’s name on a status report and have little to no client contact.  I feel that at this point in my career I should have more control over what I do and how my cases are run.  I have a degree in entrepreneurship, so having to report to someone for my entire career was never something that appealed to me.  This is why I have been toying with the idea of opening my own firm.  I know that becoming a photographer or a writer is not going to happen overnight.  What am I going to do in the meantime?  How am I going to make it through another two or five or more years as an attorney?

Yesterday I was avoiding doing my work by reading all of the blogs I subscribe to.  I read this post on GOINGPRO (a blog focused on giving advice to photographers aspiring to become professionals) listing five tips about actually making the switch.  It was as if the post were written specifically for me.  I realized that the change I need is not within my current profession.  Well, I mean, it is in that I need to find a new one, but not as far as changing jobs within that profession.  What I need to do is take proactive, concrete steps towards becoming a photographer.  And these five tips, perfectly packaged in a relatively short blog post, are going to help me do it.

I decided that I needed a plan – a “turning pro” plan.  Long term goals, short terms goals, the whole works.  I need to sit down and properly assess HOW to turn this into reality.  It’s not a plan that will come together overnight.  It may take a few weeks or months.  But it’s necessary to put this type of effort in early on.  It will be my business plan.  I can do that, even if the last business plan I drafted was for an undergraduate class many years ago (it did get me into a business plan competition).  I’m even going to use my new iWork programs to put it together.  It will be so official!

There were two tips in particular that struck chords with me.  First, scheduling time every day – even if only fifteen minutes – to take pictures.  I have not been doing that.  I have been developing a (bad) habit of taking a lot of pictures over the weekends or at lunch one or two days a week when I “have time”, and then using those for my posts throughout the week.  I try to take a new picture every day for the Daily Shoot assignments, but sometimes I find a picture I’ve already taken that fits the assignment or I run out of time and don’t complete the assignment (at least that’s the excuse I give).  I know that defeats the purpose of the assignment.  So, from this point forward, at least fifteen minutes every day taking pictures and setting up shots.

The second tip was especially resounding – gradually shed yourself of your day job.  This is something I can get on board with.  I am considered an independent contractor, self-employed (I don’t know that it would actually pass the test) and so long as I am considered such, I can make my own hours.  The first step in my plan is to start working only four days a week.  I should be able to bill the same amount of hours in four days without much trouble.  I won’t have to lose any income, but I will gain so much time.  Having one full day to focus on taking photos, editing, and educating myself will be huge.  I also think it will help my concentration at my day job.  Even if it means spending a couple extra hours at the office on those four days, knowing that I have a day off to focus on something I love will make the time there more tolerable (hopefully).

I know it’s going to be work to hatch my plan, but I’m excited about the prospect and what it ultimately means.  I am a person who likes lists and to-do items, and I love being able to check off tasks as they are accomplished.  It’s a visual report of my progress. Yes, I was one of those kids that lived for “gold stars” in school.  I plan to start earning them again.

The Power of the Blog

A couple of weeks ago I heard the email notification tone go off on my phone.  I knew it was a Gmail account because it wasn’t time for my other two accounts to be checked.  I have two Gmail accounts.  I set up the first one when I thought my internet provider account was going to be deactivated during a move.  I set it up just as a safety precaution and haven’t shared it with anyone, other than Crate & Barrel, somehow.  I literally only get emails from Crate & Barrel on that account.

I also have a Gmail account that I set up for potential photography business, and placed it on my photo blog.  Prior to this particular day, I had never received ANY emails on that account (on?  in?  Who knows.)  I picked the phone up fully expecting to be wowed by another C&B sale offer.  Imagine my shock when it was the other account and the subject line was “Photo”.  My heart started to race.  What could this be about?

I fumbled around, excited, anxious, and finally got the message open.  I quickly scanned the message.  My face became flushed.  Someone wanted to use one of my pictures in a magazine!  A real magazine!  Then I immediately thought, “Is this a joke?  This must be a joke.  I’m being Punk’d.”  The magazine contact was looking for a photo of a border collie-beagle mix.  I must admit – I was surprised.  I figured I was the only one who actually thought my dog was the most beautiful and photogenic dog in the world (not that this person thinks that about her, but you see what I’m getting at).  But why this particular picture?  I have other, better pictures.  It must be a joke.

But what if it wasn’t a joke?  There was a professional signature block at the bottom of the email.  The email address was a business server.  So, I looked up the website, Googled the person who emailed me, and it hit me.  This was for real!!  Then I panicked.  This was the first time I had ever had this happened.  I take pictures and post them on a blog that is mainly viewed by my friends and family.  I’m not a professional photographer.  Do I even know how to respond to him in an appropriate and professional-sounding manner?!  I want him to think I know what I’m talking about.  So, I Googled that too.  Within a few minutes I had found the language I needed to at least provide a brief response.  “I will be happy to provide you with a non-exclusive license.”  How professional do I sound?!

It must have worked because he wanted to know when he could call that following Monday.  9:00 am, I say.  For once, I can’t wait until Monday morning!  At 8:45, I’m ready to go.  I’ve decided on an appropriate amount to ask for, and reasonable terms for usage.  It gets closer to 9:00.  I get more anxious.  It’s 9:05.  Oh, no!  Did I type in the wrong phone number?  At 9:20, my husband comes downstairs.  What time zone is the magazine guy in, I ask?  Central time, he says.  A wave of relief comes over me.  We are in Eastern time.  I did not specify a time zone.  It’s OK.  He’s going to call.  Yes, I felt just like that sounds – as if I were waiting for the phone call after the first date.  He said he’d call.  Why hasn’t he called?

I went to my office and settled in at my desk.  I got up close to 10:00 to shut the door for some privacy.  It got to be 10:05.  Disappointment, again.  Maybe he’s just busy.  Maybe something came up.  Surely he’ll call or email.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Crushed, I moped home at the end of the day.  Did I bother to email or call him?  Of course not.  He didn’t call so he must not be interested, right?  I really need to work on being more proactive and assertive.  This has always been an issue (see yesterday’s post).

By this point you must be thinking, what a terrible story and what does it have to do with the post title?  Well, today I got another Gmail notification.  Oh, Crate & Barrel, do you have my produce bags back in stock yet?  I open the mail icon, and it’s a message from the magazine guy!  He’s still interested!  He’s attached a contract!  I’m ecstatic!  I think this is actually going to happen!  I completed the contract, sent it back, and resized the photo as soon as I got home this evening.  I sent it off thinking about how I will be able to say I am a published photographer! 

None of this would have happened without my blog.  The guy found one of my images through Google images, which pulled photos from my blog.  I put the right tags on the post to get into the right Google images category.  I never in my wildest dreams expected something like this would ever actually happen.  Thanks to WordPress for providing me with a free platform for my blog.  Thanks to the Postaday project for encouraging me to post every day.  He found me after I was posting on a daily basis, and who knows whether I even would have taken that picture in the first place if I wasn’t challenging myself to post every day.  Blogging works!  It might not happen today, and it might not happen tomorrow, but at some point, someone who loves your stuff will find you!  The power of the blog is amazing.  Keep at it!

Gearing Up

I am about two weeks away from the next half-marathon training program, and I figured now would be an appropriate time to write my first official post about running.  I think it’s also particularly timely because many people make New Year’s resolutions to get in shape, lose weight, be healthier, etc.  People are still motivated right now, but I know how difficult it can become to stay motivated as we move farther away from the excitement and promise of the new year and meet up with cold wintry weather (at least if you live in the midwest like me).

When I started the half-marathon training program a year ago (unbelievable that it’s only been a year), I had no intentions of running the race.  I just wanted a fun group exercise program that would keep my interest.  I figured getting involved in a program that I had to pay for was a good start.  (This seems totally ridiculous to me now since I have paid for gym memberships in the past that were much more expensive and then sat on the couch eating ice cream out of the container instead of going to the gym).  Plus, the group met right around the corner from my house, and was all women.  This was really the most important factor.

I was definitely nervous that first night.  I had just moved to the neighborhood and did not know anyone in the group.  I hadn’t run on any type of consistent basis for probably 2.5 years, and I had gained about 25 pounds in the last 2 years.  I have never been a fast runner, and I had no illusions about my abilities that January night.  The brochure touted the program as one for all levels, ages and abilities, so I swallowed my nerves and opened the door.  It was more than I could have hoped for.  There really were people of all levels, and even better, someone at my level/pace!  After a couple of weeks, I was hooked, and began scrambling around to find a race entry so I could share in the excitement of running 13.1 miles with my new friends.

If you are looking to get back into running, start running, or are looking for a form of exercise that burns a lot of calories (100 calories per 10 minutes!), look around your community for a running group.  Check with your local running stores or do an internet search.  Check Facebook (my group is on there).  You will be surprised by what’s out there.  I know I was.  I am someone who generally likes to run alone, but knowing I have friends to run with twice a week who encourage me and hold me accountable helps keep me going through the rest of the week.

As I get ready to start this next program one year and two half-marathons after I started, I have lost those 25 pounds, shaved about 2.5 minutes off my average mile time, and have gained the mentality of a runner.  I don’t want to lead anyone to believe that developing a running habit is easy, because it’s not, even with a training group.  But if I can do it – a self-admitted procrastinator and someone who can come up with many creative excuses to avoid exercise – anyone can do it.

This blog is not just about running, but if you are thinking about starting a running journey, check back.  I have other related topics floating around in my head, including what to wear, where to buy it, what to eat and why have I only lost 3 pounds in 4 weeks?  Maybe some of what I learned will be helpful to you too.  And good luck!  Remember, it’s just one foot in front of the other.

Finding My Childhood Dreams

Last week I spent a good portion of Wednesday driving to and from a deposition and client meeting.  My Google map directions, while technically right on, did not account for road repaving and a blocked drive, and as a result I spent a good amount of time driving around somewhat lost.  The benefit of the detour and the trip in general was that I made it through almost my entire 6-disc CD changer.  It’s not often that I get to listen to that many CDs uninterrupted.

I was listening to the Carolina Liar CD…OK, I was belting out the songs as loud as I could as if I were performing with the band, when my thoughts started wandering back to when I was a kid and all the crazy ideas I had about what I was going to do when I grew up.  Not that I realized at the time that they were crazy.  I thought back to my earliest declaration of what I was going to do when I was a “grown-up.”  I can’t remember if it was veterinarian or writer.  Those two emerged at about the same time, and likely overlapped.  I loved animals and I loved to read (still do).  I always had a book with me.  I even tried writing some fictional stories.  As you can imagine, my 7- or 8-year-old self came up with some pretty laughable stuff.  I may even have it lying around here somewhere.  The point of my memory was that I was doing something to further my dreams even when I was that young.  Whatever happened to that?

As I got older, my career aspirations changed.  For a period of time I was going to be an actress/singer (hence the love of singing in the car).  However, I was (am) not exceptional at either.  Although I tried.  After all, in the 8th grade I was the female lead in the middle school play (which I may have a video of and would also likely evoke laughter).  I realized those were not viable options, and soon one of my best friends and I decided we would be lawyers.  I have no idea why.  We didn’t even discuss what kind of law we would practice.  I think we thought we would make a lot of money.  All I can say to my middle school self is, “HA!”

I really don’t have any memories of specific career aspirations after middle school.  I find this strange, considering I was getting closer to going to college and actually pursuing a career.  I started college without having any idea of what I wanted to do when I grew up (an event that was much closer to arrival than when I was 8).  I started with two potential majors, and made my decision based upon the location of the buildings where the majority of my classes would take place.  Brilliant, right?

The journey to law school is a story for another day.  The point of my musings in the car last week is that it’s not too late to find and resurrect those childhood dreams.  I don’t mean all of them (ie, singing and acting.  I am, after all, too old to try out for American Idol), but writing…yeah, that one I can still do.  Ironically (serendipitously?), after I returned home from my day of driving I saw the challenge to blog more in 2011, and I took that as a sign.  Maybe no one will read this, but that’s OK.  I’m still writing, and the act of doing something is enough.

Back to the Daily Grind

I’ve had a wonderful four days off, five days out of the office, and about a month of no full weeks in the office.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow.  I know I have plenty to do to keep me busy and make the day go by quickly (requirements for a Monday, right?), but extended time out of the office always makes feel sad when I have to go back.    I try to take the approach that it’s just a job, just a means to an end.  I mean, how many people really like what they do?  I should just suck it up and put on a happy face.

Then I think about the people I know who do like or even (gasp!) love their jobs. (Shockingly, none of them are my attorney colleagues).  Why can’t that be me?  Why is that too much to ask for?  For the longest time I didn’t know how to answer those questions because I didn’t know what job I could or wanted to do that would fit my happiness criteria.  Instead of lamenting, I started thinking about the things I could do over lunch or after work that would further my goal of finding a job I love.

I know such a huge life change doesn’t happen overnight.  I know I have to deal with contentious opposing counsel for a while longer.  I know I have to deal with the stress of litigation for a while longer.  Despite that, this week I have the following to look forward to: using my new work coffee pot, three new cases that will provide me with lots of billable time, a Friday trip out of the office that requires me merely to observe, and pay day!  Coming up with a list of things to look forward to each week should make the daily grind more bearable (I’m hoping!).

For the rest of you who have had some time off and feel the same way towards going back to work tomorrow, what are three things you have to look forward to this week?  Keep those in mind as you struggle to make it through the day, and before you know it, Friday will be here!

My New Take on New Year’s Resolutions

I am one of those people who always makes New Year’s resolutions.  And one of those people who never keeps them.  Until 2010.  I made two resolutions – lose weight and drink only one vodka drink in any given sitting.  Yes, that second one is real.  I had one too many New Year’s days after one (or ten) too many vodka drinks, and decided I needed to make a conscious effort to limit my consumption.  It actually worked.  I also lost weight (although I don’t think the two had anything to do with each other).

I had such a successful 2010 with my resolutions, I started thinking about what I could do to top that in 2011.  Within no time I had a list of like five or six things. Then the doubt started to creep in.  Was I setting myself up for failure?  Two is a lot less than five or six.  Let’s be honest, I wasn’t even presented with that many opportunities to drink vodka during the year.  So, instead of committing to running 5-6 times a week, cleaning the house from top to bottom on a weekly basis, keeping up on the laundry (including ironing), and a few other things that I’ve already forgotten, I came up with a new approach to my normal resolutions.

I thought about why I make resolutions.  Ultimately, I make them to try to improve life, my overall outlook on things, and my general happiness.  Is making a list of very specific resolutions (that are really mostly unattainable) actually going to achieve any of those things?  No, probably not.  This year, I am going to focus on doing things that further my goal of being happy and content with where I am in life.  Will the world end if I don’t iron all the shirts by Sunday?  No.  Will my life be different if I spend quality time with my husband doing something we both enjoy and bringing us closer together?  Yes.  So, for 2011 – no resolutions, no stressing out if something doesn’t get put away properly, etc.  2011 is going to be about positive actions to further life’s goals, and not beating myself up if I have to take a step back before taking two forward.  After all, life is about the journey.

The Daily Post 2011 Challenge

I started this blog with a head full of ideas, and clearly the execution has fallen by the wayside.  I think The Daily Post challenge is a great idea and should be a good motivator for me to try to post something every day.  My intention is to embrace 2011 as a year for change and making things happen.  I have been unsatisfied in my career essentially since my graduation from law school.  This year I am going to immerse myself in things I love to do, and watch for opportunities to present themselves.

Happy New Year to all, and best of luck with your personal challenges.