The Results Are In

I made it into the writing workshop! Last night was the first of twelve classes, and it was everything I had hoped it would be. I got the email on Sunday morning that I was selected for the class. I felt a flood of emotions as I read it – relief, excitement, hope. I think it’s going to be great.

I spent some time yesterday poking around on the school’s website and looking at their MFA in creative writing program. It would take at least two years to complete and would cost a decent amount of money, but every time I think about applying, I feel giddy. I think we’ll see how this workshop goes first. Applications aren’t due until February.

I can’t remember exactly what I was doing yesterday, but I started thinking about things happening and opportunities arising. Some time ago I wrote about why things happen and how we go about choosing our paths in life. I reread those posts and was reminded how relevant they still are. I was thinking about the recent job interview, inflated hope, and devastation when I didn’t get the job. I was ready to move. I was ready to start over.  I was so desperate for these things that I thought I was ready to sell my soul to the legal profession for a pittance of 2000 billable hours a year…forever.

I now know that getting offered the job is not what was best for me. While my husband and I want to move to a city with more opportunity, diversity and culture, I don’t want to do it if the cost is being a lawyer for the rest of my life. I also recognize that had I gotten the job, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be in this writing workshop. I would have read that tweet and scrolled on right past it. But I didn’t. I stopped, I looked up the information, and then I wrote. And I’m still writing. And, I have never been so grateful to receive a rejection letter.

So, do I still think things happen for a reason? Yes, and now I’m even more convinced that is true.

Can You Choose Your Own Path?

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post and in response to a thought-provoking comment from a fellow blogger, I thought I would continue to discuss the path of enlightenment.  What do I think my path is?  I’m still trying to figure that out, but I know for certain that it requires divergence from my current path.  I like to think that I have the strength and courage to build the path in front of me, to open doors I build, and pursue the unknown.

I haven’ t always had that courage.  In fact, I’ve stood before opportunities too afraid to take them, too afraid to even move.  And so there I stayed, on a circular leg of my path, even though I knew where I was heading was detrimental to my mental health and physical well-being.  Eventually I found the strength to make changes with the help and unconditional support of a few wonderful friends.

I now have a fantastic support system in my husband (and dog) and am looking forward to our journey together.  I hope that someday soon the pitter-patter of little feet will join us on our path.  But that part of my life is only part of my path.  What about the rest of who I am?  What about what I do to help support my family?

As I’ve mentioned before, I am not satisfied with my career choice.  I realized about a year or so ago that things were not going to change unless and until I created new opportunities for myself.  The first step was to figure out what I wanted to do.  After all, how can you change  your path without knowing the general direction that you want to go in?  I thought about what aspects of being a lawyer are most unsatisfying to me.  I thought about what I wanted from the perfect career.

And what I came up with is writing and photography.  The two really do go hand in hand.  What is photography but telling a story with pictures instead of words?  I have always loved writing and reading.  I have thought about being a writer many times.  I could write novels, I could write textbooks, I could write any number of things.  (That’s not to say they would be published! – I recognize the distinction.)  I finally decided that if my ideal career involved writing, that’s what I should do.  All writing requires is a pen, paper, and ideas.  (Luckily I also have a computer and the internet).

Photography has taken more time to evolve.  First, being a photographer requires more tools than being a writer, and it is expensive to obtain those tools.  But thanks to my generous husband, I received the camera I needed to start learning and building a portfolio.

So, I keep writing and I keep taking pictures, and I plan to pave the next portion of my path with both.  I plan to make opportunities for myself because such a drastic change does not come about by sitting and waiting.  I expect that it will be hard.  I expect obstacles and challenges.  But I don’t plan on giving up.  I know that there is a path out there that will lead me to a satisfying life.  A path that, when I look back over it at the end of the journey, makes me feel proud and happy.  And it’s my job to uncover it.

Why Things Happen

Do I think everything happens for a reason?  Yes.  Do I always know what that reason is?  No.  At least not at first.  Throughout life I have been presented with many options and made many decisions.  Often times I have then realized that a decision I made was not only wrong, but absolutely the worst choice I could have made.  Then somehow, unexpectedly, another opportunity arises that I never would have been in a position to take advantage of if I hadn’t made a misstep.

I don’t pretend to know who presents the proverbial “open door.”  Maybe it’s God.  Maybe it’s pixies.  Maybe it really is just one big coincidence.  That, in fact, is probably the reality, but I don’t like to think that life is just a bunch of unconnected happenstance.  I prefer to think that the choices I make (the conscious and mostly well-thought out choices) in fact are guiding me along my path in life.

I don’t believe that our paths are linear.  At least mine certainly has not been.  Sometimes the path is circular.  Sometimes it’s a maze.  Sometimes there is an unexpected U-turn and you have to go back and do things over again.  I know that for me, the choices that I have made have always, eventually, furthered me along my journey.  I suppose the reason why I think everything happens for a reason is because everything has happened to me for a reason.  I can look over all of my choices, good and bad, and see that they have led me to where I am right now.  Which, for the most part, is a pretty good place to be.

I’ll give an example.  Due to a bad decision, I was forced to look for a new job.  It took a while to find something, and I ended up accepting a job I wasn’t 100% certain about.  After I accepted but before I started, I had another interview.  I knew after that interview that the firm would be a much better fit than the job I had accepted.  However, I really wasn’t expecting a second interview, so I figured it didn’t matter.  I was invited back – after I had already started the new job.  I wasn’t going to just quit the new job, even though it was clear from the start that it was not what I was expecting. 

It has always been hard for me to quit a job.  I feel a strong sense of loyalty (sometimes irrationally so) to my employers and used to feel really guilty when turning in my resignation even when the job was not a good fit for me personally.  I have gotten better about that.  Anyway, the point of the story is that my (now) husband also worked at that firm, and I don’t know that we ever would have met if I hadn’t accepted that job (I did end up leaving the job after about 15 months).

I have many other examples, but what else would I talk about for the rest of the year?  I have to save something for later!

Unexpected News

As predicted, we did get snow overnight and I chose to stay home.  Around 10 am, my phone rang and I knew that it was my mom.  She almost always calls me whenever we have bad weather to make sure that I made it to work OK.  (Most days I’m still at home!).  It was indeed her, checking in on my commute.  The call then took an unexpected twist as she told me her employer announced today that the company would be closing.  The company was purchased (merged) a few years back and there had been talk then that her office would be closed.  Apparently that day will officially be here in about six months.

I can’t even imagine what she is feeling.  They are offering jobs to anyone who wants to move to the parent corp and severance to those who don’t.  However, my mom is pretty close to retirement age, and to pick up and move at this point in life has to be an overwhelming prospect.  It may be the best choice financially, though.

I’m trying not to feel stressed out, because I feel like I should try to remain calm for her.  She’s the one who deserves to be stressed out.  I hope that I can give her sound advice, although I have never been faced with such a big decision.  She’s lived in her current town since we moved there in 1982.  She has a strong social network.  I’m not sure how she would handle picking up and moving about 3 hours away.

I am anxious to talk to her and hear more about what she found out today.  Maybe a number of current employees will take the opportunity to move, making that option less like starting over.  Regardless of what she decides to do, it will mean big changes for the future.  Hopefully this will be an opportunity to focus on the positives of an unexpected challenge.

So Why ‘Running in the Dark’?

You might be wondering, “what does ‘running in the dark’ mean?”  What is this blog about?  Is it literal, figurative, what?  It’s actually both.  I tried coming up with something clever to reflect what I intend for this blog to be about, but all of my early ideas were already taken.  I came up with this title, and I think it’s fitting.  Maybe no one thinks “running in the dark” is clever, but at least the title can always be changed, right?  I know – I’m stuck with the URL.

My intentions for this endeavor are to discuss the journeys people undergo to find happiness and satisfaction in life.  It’s not easy – believe me, I know.  It’s taken me a long time to find a place in the world where I wake up almost every day feeling happy.  Some days, overwhelmingly so.  It’s still taking some getting used to.  Running in the dark doesn’t just mean going through dark or difficult times.  It means going through times where you have no idea where you are heading, where you came from, where you even want to go, and what’s around you.  It’s like you are stumbling around in the dark in unfamiliar surroundings.  But eventually you get your bearings and make it through the dark.

Running in the dark is also literal.  I started running (seriously running) in January of this year.  I have run on a sporadic basis since college, but had gotten to the point where none of my pants fit anymore and I felt disgusted with myself.  I joined a group just for women that trains together for half-marathon and marathon races.  As I said, we started training for a May race in January.  We meet Wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings at 7:30.  Depending on the time of year, it’s dark during both of those sessions.  I am a person who does not like early mornings or cold.  Yet I pulled myself out of bed every Sunday morning and put on my running shoes.  Running has provided me with much more than an outlet for stress and a way to lose weight.  My body has accomplished things I never thought I would be able to do – like complete a half-marathon at an 8:15 pace.  I also now have a goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon while I’m still in the first age bracket and therefore the fastest pace.  Running has been instrumental in my journey to find happiness.  I know it’s not for everyone, but the generally applicable lesson that running has taught me is that everyone needs something that is their own.  Everyone needs something that is both challenging and rewarding that allows you to say “I am good at this.”

Anyway, there’s the background on the title and a little bit more about me.