Confessions of a Procrastinator

We’re only a couple of weeks into the new year, and I have already started putting off things that I swore I would make priorities in 2011.  I know that if I want to make my aspirations of being a photographer reality, I am going to have to start taking pictures of people.  I’m not going to find anyone who wants me to photograph their children or their wedding if all I can show them are pictures of landscapes, flowers, and my dog.  I mean, my dog is cute, but come on.  My husband and I have lots of friends with kids, and I have jokingly told most of them that I want to take family pictures for them.  I never follow through.  And now the ground is covered in four inches of snow and we have single degree temperatures.  I don’t have enough experience with lighting to do shoots in someone’s house.  (I have an endless supply of excuses like this.)

I think it’s because I am a little bit afraid of failing.  OK, a lot afraid.  I’m also afraid that I won’t be as uninhibited as I would be with an actual client with regard to directions and trying to compose shots.  Ironic, right?  Shouldn’t I be more comfortable withy my friends?  But what goes through my head is, “What will my friends think of my if I tell them to do X and then I lay in the grass and do Y?”  Then I’m afraid that being inhibited will just lead to failure because the shots obviously won’t turn out like I envisioned.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I’m well aware that I just need to get over it.

Another thing I have been putting off (equally as important as photographing people) is making contact with photographers I know to pick their brains about becoming a professional.  I have so many questions.  Everything from what settings they use, what equipment, what software, and workflow process to marketing, web design, promotion, contracts, payment, and on and on and on.

Again, it comes down to fear.  What if they say no?  Worse, what if they are mean about saying no?!  What if they say yes, look at my pictures, and tell me I should stick with my day job?  I’m always apprehensive about asking someone for help or advice.  I know how valuable people’s time is and I don’t want to inconvenience anyone.  The irony (again) is that whenever someone approaches me for similar advice about the legal profession, I always say yes.  I’ve met with alums and I even helped out a sales clerk at a retail store who was getting her paralegal degree and happened to find out I was an attorney.  I don’t know why I expect the worst from others.

I know these are just silly excuses to avoid my fear of failure.  If I fail, then I’m stuck being a lawyer forever.  But, if I don’t get over my fears and do these two things, then I’m still stuck being a lawyer forever.  So, it’s time to get over the fear.  I resolve to stop procrastinating.  I resolve to do these two things within the next two weeks.  I’ll report back.

Just Shoot Me

Ever since I was a kid I remember loving pictures.  I love looking at them.  I love taking them.  I remember my dad always having an SLR camera with an external flash to take pictures of whatever my brother and I were doing.  I’ve had a camera ever since I can remember, although I don’t have a distinct memory of my first camera.  I’ve had all kinds of cameras, though (sadly, never a Polaroid).  I had the kind that took film in disk form (like the old View Masters (Finders?)).  I had one that was pink and long and skinny (kind of like the old Fisher Price toy camera with a “flash”).

I can look at pictures of total strangers and be completely engrossed for hours.  I remember looking through old pictures of my parents when I was younger.  I still pour over those albums for hours every so often.  Once a year or so I pull them off the shelf at my mom’s house and look through them.

So, what’s the big deal?  I love that a photograph can capture one small instant for eternity.  A moment you might never have otherwise remembered.  I love that emotions are captured forever.  I can pick up photos from years ago, and the feelings and memories related to that time will instantly come flooding back to me. 

What is even better is when I look at pictures of people I don’t know or events that I didn’t attend, and I have those same feelings wash over me, as if I was there or I did know them.  If that’s how I feel as someone on the outside, imagine how great those images must be for the people they were made for.  The love and happiness on your wedding day forever suspended in time.  The fun and laughter of your first child’s first birthday.  These are moments you never want to forget, and a good photograph will capture everything that made that moment special.

That’s why I love photography.  I have boxes of pictures that I have taken over the years (when cameras used film and you had to print them out in order to see what you shot.  I miss that sometimes).  Pictures of school functions, family functions, friends, pets, travels.  I had thought before about being a photographer, but never seriously.  I have no formal training or real experience as a photographer.  What a ridiculous idea that would be. 

I started evaluating what I wanted out of a career.  I went to law school to “help people.”  So naive and idealistic, I was.  I don’t help people in the way that I thought I would help people.  I realized that what I had really started out to do was to make people happy.  How could I use something I am passionate about to make people happy?  Photography has always been something I loved.  And pictures make people happy.  Even if you hate having your picture taken, a well-composed image that presents you in a way you never thought possible will make you happy.  (I swear!)

And then I thought – why not?  Why shouldn’t I throw caution to the wind for once?  I can buy a nice camera and take photography classes.  I can stalk  network with photographers, offer to shadow for free, con my friends into letting me take pictures of their kids.  I could build a portfolio.  I could do this (and better to do it now while I’m still fairly young and don’t have children).  So began my adventure into trying to become a photographer.  It’s still in the early stages, but I feel good about it.

I recently asked my dad about that old SLR.  He used that camera until just a few years ago, and I was curious if he still had it.  He did, along with the same neck strap and bag that I remembered so clearly.  I looked through the bag after he left and was perusing through the instruction manual and warranty cards.  I came across the receipt.  I wasn’t even five years old when he bought it, and my brother was about six months.  That explained why for as long as I could remember that was our family camera.  It did not, however, explain why the warranty cards were still in the bag.

I just realized I haven’t looked through those boxes of photos for a while.  What better way to spend a snowy evening.

Crossing Paths

I had a couple of ideas for today’s post, but I’m putting those on the back burner.  I just had to write about what happened tonight at my running group’s first meeting, and really, it goes along with the theme of the past few days.  I have been looking forward to the start of training for a few weeks now.  I am always ready for the program to end by the time the race rolls around, and I enjoy the two months off in between, but I am always so excited to get back to it.  The process of preparing for a race is exhilarating.  And with every new program, I always meet a new friend.

We were doing introductions and our new resident nutritionist said that she was training for the Boston Marathon (after she participated in an Ironman in September).  I haven’t talked too much about this, but I have aspirations of qualifying for the Boston this fall.  I wouldn’t be able to run it until 2013 due to the timing of the qualifying race.  Anyway, she and I started talking about how to train for a marathon, and as we started our evening run it became obvious that we were about the same pace.  Which I guess should have been evident since she looked younger than me and therefore would also have to run the same pace in order to qualify for Boston.

For those of you who are runners, you know that it really is very difficult to find a running partner.  You want to find someone who is a very similar pace, and has similar goals (ie – doesn’t mind trying to go faster).  It is also important to find someone who you have things in common with other than running.  If you are going out for a 10-mile training run, you want to have something to talk about.  So far, I have not been able to find someone who meets all of those qualifications, but I don’t mind running by myself.

The nutritionist and I started talking, and we discovered that not only did we grow up in the same town, but we lived about a mile or so from each other!  We continued to chat about jobs, and I found out that she used to work for the same law firm that I worked for right out of law school.  I must have started shortly after she left.  I now recall seeing her name on documents and such.

Then I started thinking about how many times our paths must have come near each other, but never quite intersected.  As someone who believes there is meaning in everything that happens, I truly believe she and I had not met before now  for a reason.  Maybe she will be the one to help me get to Boston.  Maybe we will become regular running partners.  Maybe we will just be buddies through this one training program.  Or maybe we will become bestest girlfriends.  Our paths have now crossed, and I can’t wait to see why.  I just love it when life tosses something unexpected and good your way.

And, yes, tonight’s run was completely in the dark.  I had to use to my flashing red running light for safety.

Creative Minds Want to Know

I sat down about 45 minutes ago to start writing.  My husband is working late, so I wanted to get all of my blogging out of the way before he got home (so that he could actually use the computer this evening).  But I started looking at some of the blogs I subscribe to, checked out the blogs of people who had left comments on those blogs, and before I knew it I was engrossed in so many witty and insightful posts.  There are so many talented writers out there.

I have been thinking about this post for a while, and reading other people’s posts was a great way to get the words flowing.  I believe that everyone who undertakes the challenge of writing a blog would, on some level, describe themselves as creative.  It doesn’t matter what you write about – your life, video games, food, computer software, etc. – you must have some creativity to make your writings relevant and interesting.

I started wondering how other bloggers found their creativity, how it developed and was fostered.  I have always considered myself to be creative, and then I started wondering why that was.  How did I find my creativity?  I am certain that it had to do with my parents.   I have always loved books, and their ability to take me to places I would never have otherwise known.  Before I could read, I would look at the pictures in books and make up stories to go along with them.  My mom likes to tell people how I was talkative and outgoing at a young age, how I liked to make things up.  She and my dad encouraged that behavior.  Without that encouragement, who knows how I would have turned out.

I think creativity is something that has to be exercised on a regular basis.  While I have always described myself as creative, about a year or so ago I realized that I really wasn’t exercising my creative muscles.  I stopped to think about the last time I had created something, and I couldn’t remember.  I had become so consumed with my job misery that I wasn’t using my free time to do anything that I loved.  As a result, I was losing my creative edge.  The one thing I felt set me apart from other boring lawyers, and it was slipping away!

I thought then about starting a blog, but I was too scared.  So, I just starting writing down thoughts in a notebook (I still have them), and tried to focus on positive things that happened during each day.  I started taking more pictures (although at the time I still had my small point-and-shoot).  I learned how to knit.  I bought some fabric to make curtains for our kitchen nook windows (unfortunately that project fell by the wayside and the fabric is still sitting upstairs next to the sewing machine…oh, well, the windows aren’t going anywhere).

I started to feel better about my creative muscles after that.  It felt good to point to something and say, “I did that.  That was me.”  Then I got my new DSLR camera, started my photo blog, and eventually started this blog.  Strangely, I do feel better, happier, more at peace, when I set aside part of the day to create something.  Some days it is hard to find the time, I feel rushed, and end up feeling like I have not put forth my best work.  But at least I did something, and I can be proud about that.

Just out of curiosity, do you have a specific memory of realizing you were a creative mind?  What do you do to exercise your creativity?  Other creative minds want to know…

Can You Choose Your Own Path?

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post and in response to a thought-provoking comment from a fellow blogger, I thought I would continue to discuss the path of enlightenment.  What do I think my path is?  I’m still trying to figure that out, but I know for certain that it requires divergence from my current path.  I like to think that I have the strength and courage to build the path in front of me, to open doors I build, and pursue the unknown.

I haven’ t always had that courage.  In fact, I’ve stood before opportunities too afraid to take them, too afraid to even move.  And so there I stayed, on a circular leg of my path, even though I knew where I was heading was detrimental to my mental health and physical well-being.  Eventually I found the strength to make changes with the help and unconditional support of a few wonderful friends.

I now have a fantastic support system in my husband (and dog) and am looking forward to our journey together.  I hope that someday soon the pitter-patter of little feet will join us on our path.  But that part of my life is only part of my path.  What about the rest of who I am?  What about what I do to help support my family?

As I’ve mentioned before, I am not satisfied with my career choice.  I realized about a year or so ago that things were not going to change unless and until I created new opportunities for myself.  The first step was to figure out what I wanted to do.  After all, how can you change  your path without knowing the general direction that you want to go in?  I thought about what aspects of being a lawyer are most unsatisfying to me.  I thought about what I wanted from the perfect career.

And what I came up with is writing and photography.  The two really do go hand in hand.  What is photography but telling a story with pictures instead of words?  I have always loved writing and reading.  I have thought about being a writer many times.  I could write novels, I could write textbooks, I could write any number of things.  (That’s not to say they would be published! – I recognize the distinction.)  I finally decided that if my ideal career involved writing, that’s what I should do.  All writing requires is a pen, paper, and ideas.  (Luckily I also have a computer and the internet).

Photography has taken more time to evolve.  First, being a photographer requires more tools than being a writer, and it is expensive to obtain those tools.  But thanks to my generous husband, I received the camera I needed to start learning and building a portfolio.

So, I keep writing and I keep taking pictures, and I plan to pave the next portion of my path with both.  I plan to make opportunities for myself because such a drastic change does not come about by sitting and waiting.  I expect that it will be hard.  I expect obstacles and challenges.  But I don’t plan on giving up.  I know that there is a path out there that will lead me to a satisfying life.  A path that, when I look back over it at the end of the journey, makes me feel proud and happy.  And it’s my job to uncover it.

Why Things Happen

Do I think everything happens for a reason?  Yes.  Do I always know what that reason is?  No.  At least not at first.  Throughout life I have been presented with many options and made many decisions.  Often times I have then realized that a decision I made was not only wrong, but absolutely the worst choice I could have made.  Then somehow, unexpectedly, another opportunity arises that I never would have been in a position to take advantage of if I hadn’t made a misstep.

I don’t pretend to know who presents the proverbial “open door.”  Maybe it’s God.  Maybe it’s pixies.  Maybe it really is just one big coincidence.  That, in fact, is probably the reality, but I don’t like to think that life is just a bunch of unconnected happenstance.  I prefer to think that the choices I make (the conscious and mostly well-thought out choices) in fact are guiding me along my path in life.

I don’t believe that our paths are linear.  At least mine certainly has not been.  Sometimes the path is circular.  Sometimes it’s a maze.  Sometimes there is an unexpected U-turn and you have to go back and do things over again.  I know that for me, the choices that I have made have always, eventually, furthered me along my journey.  I suppose the reason why I think everything happens for a reason is because everything has happened to me for a reason.  I can look over all of my choices, good and bad, and see that they have led me to where I am right now.  Which, for the most part, is a pretty good place to be.

I’ll give an example.  Due to a bad decision, I was forced to look for a new job.  It took a while to find something, and I ended up accepting a job I wasn’t 100% certain about.  After I accepted but before I started, I had another interview.  I knew after that interview that the firm would be a much better fit than the job I had accepted.  However, I really wasn’t expecting a second interview, so I figured it didn’t matter.  I was invited back – after I had already started the new job.  I wasn’t going to just quit the new job, even though it was clear from the start that it was not what I was expecting. 

It has always been hard for me to quit a job.  I feel a strong sense of loyalty (sometimes irrationally so) to my employers and used to feel really guilty when turning in my resignation even when the job was not a good fit for me personally.  I have gotten better about that.  Anyway, the point of the story is that my (now) husband also worked at that firm, and I don’t know that we ever would have met if I hadn’t accepted that job (I did end up leaving the job after about 15 months).

I have many other examples, but what else would I talk about for the rest of the year?  I have to save something for later!

Fear of Publishing

Since the daily/weekly post challenge started, there have been a lot of posts and comments about the fear of pushing the publish button.  I definitely have that fear, although it is diminishing.  At first I was afraid to even create the blog.  I thought, “What business do it have trying to write?”  I got over that because in order to write, you have to write.  I wrote a couple of posts, no one looked at my blog, and then I stopped posting for like a month.  I realize that was a ridiculous thing to do.  If I want people to look at my blog then it’s going to need some content.

The daily challenge was issued and I figured what better way to force myself to post.  I will announce to the entire world (potentially, anyway) that I am committing to writing every single day of this year.  Now, fear or no fear, I have to do it.

When I read some of the posts about the anxiety of publishing, I could definitely relate.  Some of what I write about is personal.  Do I really want to put that out there for anyone to read and judge?  Do I want strangers criticizing or laughing at what I write (not that I would probably know because they hopefully would be snickering in their own homes)?  Then I realized what my real fear was.

It wasn’t that someone wouldn’t like what I wrote about.  I’m not really afraid of criticism.  My real job is centered around people pointing out the flaws and deficiencies in my arguments.  I am a little bit afraid of people making fun of me, but again, how would I really know.  No, the real fear associated with pressing the publish button is that no one will actually read what I write!

I mean, imagine the horror.  You think about your post, you put time and effort into it.  You want to make it interesting or insightful.  Of course you aren’t always going to be able to write your “best” post every day, but you try.  I couldn’t imagine the embarrassment I would feel if no one read my blog.

I started posting daily, and the first few days I got a nice handful of views.  Then it happened.  My fear was realized.  I went days with no one looking at my blog.  Oh, the horror had arrived!  What was I going to do?  Give up?  Of course not.  In fact, that thought never even crossed my mind.  What crossed my mind was how to make the little blurbs that show up on the tag pages catch people’s attention.  I thought about how to make my posts more appealing to a wider audience.  I thought about what I needed to do to get more readers.

I realized that I don’t need to be afraid of pushing the publish button.  I don’t need to be afraid of no one reading my blog.  This is about expanding my skills as a writer, and finding a passion.  So if people aren’t reading my stuff, that forces me to reevaluate what I’m doing and focus on making it better.  I still feel trepidation sometimes as I press the button, but I’m no longer afraid of it, and I don’t feel (as much) disappointment when my stats bar stays at zero.  I’ve already made it fifteen days.  Only 350 more to go.

TGIF

Unfortunately, this is going to have to be a short, rushed post.  I had a packed day today.  I had three status reports to get out this morning (only completed one), then I had to drive over an hour away for a deposition that didn’t start until 3:30 (on a Friday!).  It took a couple of hours, and I didn’t get home until 6:45.  Now, we’re about to head out to take advantage of some 40% off sales, then go to the Rathskeller for dinner, music from The Woomblies, and the tapping of Sun King’s newest winter seasonal.  While it was a bit of a hectic day, I am so glad it’s Friday, and looking forward to a fun, relaxing evening!  I hope everyone else has as great a start to their weekends!  I promise more substance tomorrow.

Inspiration and Motivation

I am going to continue to take advantage of The Daily Post suggestions because I know the day will come when I struggle to come up with an idea.  At that point I can pull from one of the ideas on my running list of topics.  Today’s topic is why did you start a blog?  I actually have two blogs, and the reasons for starting each are quite different…on the surface.  On a deeper level, the reasons really are the same: practice, experience, and exposure.

I have a photo blog that I started in order to share my pictures with friends and family, explore my photography skills, and make a conscious effort to find the beauty in the ordinary, everyday things I encounter.  I have aspirations of making photography a career (at least on a part-time basis), and I thought starting a blog would be a step in the right direction.

I started this blog mostly because I hate my career, but I’m tired of doing nothing but complaining about it.  I decided it was time to start taking active steps to do something about it (I guess, in part, that was also the motivation for the photo blog).  I have always loved to write, and I used to journal on a daily basis when I was younger.  I think journaling is an excellent way to de-stress and refocus.  It allows you to vent, wonder, dream, and think about your innermost secrets without worrying about fear of judgment (unless someone reads your journal, which totally sucks).

I suppose the main reason for starting this blog was to purge some of the negative thoughts and frustrations from my head and to take a positive, forward-moving approach at figuring out what I want to do “when I grow up.”  Part of me would love to be a writer (the part that isn’t a photographer 😉 ), but I don’t know what I would write about.  I’ve thought about writing fiction, but that’s no easy task to undertake.  But I figured if I started the blog and just wrote…about anything, about everything…maybe inspiration would strike.

So, ultimately, each of my blogs is about getting more experience with both crafts, developing, skills, and hoping that someone stumbles upon my pages and likes them well enough to read an entire post.  And if I’m really lucky, subscribe!

Positive Thinking

Today’s suggested topic about what you are looking forward to in the coming year could not have come at a more perfect time.  My husband and I just booked our honeymoon!  We got married last October in Vegas, so that was a mini-honeymoon in and of itself.  But it was still kind of stressful with coordinating everyone to the ceremony site, dinner, etc.  We had planned from the beginning to take a belated honeymoon – mostly to save up some more money and vacation time (as it turned out, the vacation time was no longer an issue even before the wedding).

We had been bouncing around ideas of where to go since we got engaged in December of 2009.  We knew we wanted to spend part of our time in New Orleans.  We had more trouble deciding where to spend the second half.  We contemplated some place with a beach and golf, a cruise, Europe (and thus scrapping the New Orleans leg), but we finally settled on San Francisco.  Neither of us have been there and I am so looking forward to it.  We have been to New Orleans together once, and he has been one other time.  As the trips were work related, there wasn’t much time to truly explore the city.

I’m looking forward to getting away for eleven days, relaxing, and celebrating our marriage.  I’m looking forward to exploring cities I’m not familiar with and finding great photo opportunities.  It’s been about two years since we’ve been on a real vacation, but I think this will be worth the wait.  I hope that by focusing on this fun trip that will take place in a little over two months I will be able to keep a positive attitude at work.

As I write this, though, I am thinking about what else I am looking forward to this year.  After all, the honeymoon will be here and gone by the beginning of the second quarter of the year.  That’s a whole lot of year left.  So, here’s what else I’m looking forward to: running my first marathon, learning more about photography, making connections that could lead to a career in photography, and focusing on the power of positive thinking.  And of course, I’m looking forward to meeting the challenge of blogging every day this year.  Happy 2011!